Tainted Pages

Life's a Nightmare

I laid on the floor of my bathroom, resting my head against the door. It was locked shut. Tonight I wanted to be alone. I had just taken 26 pills. I wanted my death to be quick. I had tried to kill myself before, it never worked. This time I knew it would.

I had done this impulsively. I failed my classes earlier today and in response my dad sexually assaulted me, but he was my dad so it was probably normal. Although I had never really had a "normal" relationship with my dad. At around 11 years old he raped me for accidentally dropping a nail when I was helping him put something together. He told me it was a punishment for what I had done and I would get used to it. I didn't want to get used to it. I knew it wasn't what dad's were supposed to do to their daughters and yet I kept it a secret. Maybe it's because he was my dad, I just didn't want him to get in trouble. So I shut my mouth and let it happen. For 6 years. I was done.

Everyday my family was disappointed in me because I couldn't do anything right. My mom would yell, insult, and beat me whenever I messed up. My brother would make fun of me and smack me around. My relatives would call me fat when I ate and skinny when I didn't. I was never going to be good enough for them. I knew that but still I tried.

I tried so damn hard. I tried even though it killed me everyday. I tried even though I had to torture myself just to feel better. I tried even though I had already attempted before. I tried so hard and I wasn't good enough.

So now I was done trying. Instead I was going to sit back, relax, and let God take me.

I sat there silently with the bright bathroom light on. It was giving me a headache so I took medicine to make myself feel better.

I felt my hands growing numb yet they were still shaking crazily. My hands were also clammy and my skin was pale. My throat rasped as I tried to breathe and my breathing was getting significantly slower. I keeled over and vomited up acid. I hadn't eaten anything all day. I leaned back and rubbed the vomit lining my mouth onto the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

"God...please. Take me now." I begged, clenching my hands into fists.

"I just don't want to be alive anymore. I'm done. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of everything. Just please let me be at peace now." I muttered to myself, tears streaming down my face leaving marks that would stay on my body after death.

"I'm sorry it's all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't worn such revealing clothes around my dad then he wouldn't have touched me.." I convinced myself.

"I should've tried better. I should've been a better child for my family and made them proud." I spoke through continuous sobs.

"Why is it always me? Why is it always my fault?" I questioned sadly.

"Why can't my family appreciate me more? All this time I've been working so hard to make them happy. Why isn't it working?"

I choked on my sobs and vomited some more.

"I just want them to miss me when I'm gone. I want them to cry and mourn me. I want them to regret treating me unfairly. I want them to love me."

"God, if there is one. Take me away from this nightmare called life."

My breathing hitched and I felt myself drifting into a deep sleep. I closed my eyes waiting for the inevitable.

"Child. I'm sorry they did this to you. Come and be happy. Your efforts will never go to waste. Every day you have made me proud. I know you worked so hard and you were still unappreciated, but don't worry. I love you."

"And your love is all that matters." I whispered, taking my final breath.

I silently drifted away.

Maybe when my family joins me in the afterlife they'd have changed, but for now I'll cherish my time with God. Because with him is the only place I want to be.

"Oh my God...my dear child. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say anything? I'm sorry." I heard my mother whisper in my ear.

Somehow I could still hear, but I felt myself slowly lifting towards Heaven and I knew I wasn't going to be here for much longer.

The darkness consumed me, a single beam of light showing me a path. I followed it into the abyss of nothingness.

"Everyone will miss you." I heard a voice call out to me.

"Maybe, but I have decided what I want to do and that is stay with you."

I sat down on what I figured was the ground, listening to the voice of God.

"You won't miss them?"

"Of course I'll miss them but it's my time."

"You're brave. Your brother loves you, you know that right?"

"Yeah I know. Please send him a sign or a message. Tell him I'm happy. And I forgive him for always bullying me."

"I can try but I won't guarantee he'll see it."

"If he's my brother he will."

I paused for a moment, deep in thought.

"Will I go to Hell?" I asked, fear filling my voice.

"Child. I would never send you to Hell. You have done nothing wrong. You were a victim of the pains of the world and that is okay."

I nodded my head.

"Can you let me see my family one last time?"

"You know I can't do that. You're already dead."

"Yeah...I figured."

A long moment of silence filled the abyss.

"Is Heaven exactly as it sounds?"

"I'd say better, but that's just my opinion."

I chuckled.

"Do you think I could play with dogs and cats? Make friends even?"

"You can do way more than that. I guarantee it."

"Really? Can we bake cakes? Or roll down a grassy hill?"

"Of course. Everyday I'll teach you a new recipe and you'll never get bored of rolling down hills."

"I don't think I regret my decision."

"You might. You might feel sad. You might miss everyone. You might want to go back, but I'll reassure you everyday. And if you ever feel sad or unhappy just tell me and we can go do something to lift your spirits. Do you like crocheting?"

"No, I've never tried it."

"Perfect. I'll teach you. It's never too late to stop learning."

I laughed.

"You sound like all my teachers ever."

"Great minds think alike."

I yawned.

"I'm tired."

"Are you ready to go now?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Alright. I won't forget to tell you brother you love him."

"...thank you." I said hesitantly.

I felt myself wanting to go back but I had made my decision. It was over now. As I closed my eyes and curled up to sleep I felt a warmth wash over me.

"I'll never let you be cold ever again. I will always warm you and make you feel safe. Welcome to Heaven my child."

"Do you think it's sad I had to leave so soon?" I asked, eyes still tightly shut.

"It's truly disappointing, but everyone dies at some point. Now go to sleep. Get some rest."

"Okay. Wake me up in an hour?"

"An hour and five minutes."

I grinned.

I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Slowly but surely my time had come.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."