No Longer Spring - Writings of Yesterday

third of December

I know.
I now know what I'll be doing.

After the long night had passed, I saw you. You came back, telling me that you found something to slow down the process for a while and so, I smiled at you, seeing how hard you tried to make me feel better. To see me well once again.
Some pride, perhaps, washed over me seeing that I wasn't the only one going crazy these past three years. Seeing that you wanted me there was enough to light something inside my heart, bringing me peace. With that in mind, I finally insisted on going outside. You were confused, tried talking me out of it, but I resisted and so, I made you join me for my last walk into the YiWang town as I knew it.
You felt something was amiss, but didn't question me just yet. You simply took notice of how I spent the whole morning laying with you and trying to get lost into your scent as if there was no tomorrow to do so, but you probably put it aside as something that partners do. As something that we often used to do.
I, on the other hand, knew better. As we walked, I saw the houses I had jumped on the roofs of, saw the result of the fire that had started in the main house from my poison and walked upon the paths paved upon the lake as you held me by the arm. Some people stared us up and down, but I didn't care enough to notice. I was barely hanging on, even though I kept a straight expression on my face. That, until my powers gave in. We sat by the lake and I asked you to go and bring us something to eat, saying that I can't really walk anymore. It was about the time to proceed.

I walked all the way to the spot we had found in the back of the main house, focusing only on the worst feelings I had ever experienced.  The thing that hurt the most was starting to write this page, perhaps, so laughed to myself, thinking.
I simply do not want to have you follow me into this dark place I'm going to. I simply do not want to make you suffer more than you had already, but this is my final choice.

Now, I focus. I focus on losing you, on the rainy day that befell upon us. I focus on the day I got expelled and on the day our mother and brother left us. On every day I had aimlessly searched for you. On the starless nights I threw myself in fights, hoping to lose them all.
On every bit of anger I had felt that day as I attacked everyone inside the main house and on seeing your cold, dead body lay below me, seeing every piece of sanity leave every cell from my body. I think of the pain from the whip, of this world full of wanders that we are simply never going to to experience. Of your warmth, of every thing we wanted to do. Of everything I wanted to do myself, seeing how much I had changed from a careless nomad to this person that I am today, writing this, feeling my eyes burn and enjoy it, knowing that it will bring me closer to my goal.
I'm sorry, dear. I hope I'll make it back soon. Don't search for me, don't light any candles for me. Don't speak to anyone about this. You can yell at me and beat me up in your dreams, you can hate me all you want. Just hang in there and wait for me to come back.
Don't forget that every second I have now, I spend writing for you to read.

I hope that you can enjoy this journal I have written and feel as if a piece of me is still there, watching you closely.
I hope that you'll still dare to read it after hearing of what I'm about to do and what I have done before your arrival. Make sure to eat and drink water. Allow yourself to rest and stop being so hard on yourself, at least sometimes.
Allow yourself to realize that mourning is pointless, for the time can move only but forward. Never think that this was your fault, not even once.
Take a moment to look at the sky and think "Gods, I'm actually here." Walk proudly on the ground I've walked on and not only. If anyone comes your way with ill intentions, use my sword and kill them in my stead and, if I don't make it back, which won't happen, you are always welcome to the Jiang Sect.
Your sister might still be there with that partner of hers.
This is it for now, Mei Lin.

I take a quick breath, imagining the hands of ghosts reaching for me, tempting me to join them, as I drink the poison I've kept with me.
I imagine the coldness and my lungs burning once again, finally putting this pain to an end.
I'm sorry that I won't be here waiting for you to come back. I'm sorry to pass this pain onto you, and I hope to make up for this, do anything you want me to, as long as  I make it through.
You won't have to be alone after this, if you are willing to accept me as a water ghost.

With love, Shen Xiao.