The Child of Demonic Cultivation

Jin Ling My Love

WC: 767

Jin Ling,

I'm sorry for leaving like this, I tried so hard to tell you the truth. I understand if you're angry, honestly, I want you to be angry. But in this letter, I will explain everything. I will give you the truth, only the truth and the whole truth. If you don't want to know, you can stop reading now and I'll understand but if you really want to know, then all your questions will be answered.

As you know, I was an orphan that Lan Wangji found one day in Lotus Pier. Wei Wuxian put me there. He originally took me in because my biological family abandoned me, saying I was cursed or whatever they wanted to believe. But, when he deemed it necessary, Wei Wuxian gave me to Lan Wangji in hopes I would live a better life. The only problem is that I've been plagued by a mysterious illness since birth. The only solution, that I have only recently realized, was to feed off of the resentful energy of other beings and objects. This made me not only healthy but more powerful, however, the constant exposure to this has weakened my golden core and is now causing me harm. My body is starting to fight back against energy and I can't hide it anymore. I did find someone who says he can help me, in return I have to go find someone for him.

Even since I met you, I've been completely enthralled by everything you do. From the way you move through the world with an air of confidence I could never achieve, to the way you let down your guard when its just the two of us. You mean everything to me, and I could never imagen a world without you. The last while we've spent together have been the best of my life, even through the fear and blood shed. I used to walk through this world just excepting that death would take me when it wanted and I could except that, but now I'm don't want to go. You have made me afraid to die. I can't just walk around taking risks and throwing my life on the line because I'm afraid that if I die, I will never be able to see you again. I see the world differently because of the time we spent together since I realized I love you. I see the beauty in the way the leaves fall as the seasons change, I wonder how those who were close to the dead we see are feeling. I sometimes wonder if the dead died alone, or if they ever felt the warm caress of a loved one. Because of you, when death comes to claim me, I will fight with everything I have left in my body and soul to stay with you on this plain of existence.

What I've been leading up to and avoiding saying is, I didn't know how to tell you all this out of fear you would ask to come with me. I'm leaving, for a long time though. I don't want you to wait for me anymore. I can't have you wait for me. Over the years I watched my Dad always waiting, holding onto a faint hope that one day the man he loved would return and hold him in his arms. It broke him, and it broke something inside me too. I made a promise to myself that I would never let anyone wait for me and go through the same things we did. I'm asking, and begging you to not wait for me, because I don't even know if the solution the man has will work. I couldn't ask you to wait for me when I know I could be dead at any moment. Please, if you really care about me, my one last wish is for you to forget about me. Pretend I didn't exist, hate me, what ever it takes, please. I'm sorry everything had to end this way, I never wanted to hurt you. If I would have known this would happen, I would've tried to make you hate me. At least if you hated me, you'd still feel something for me and I wouldn't feel so bad about how its all ending.

I will love you forever.

I'm sorry my love, my life, my everything.

I don't know, maybe in another universe, another timeline, we'd do it. We'd make it. We'd be in love, have children, or not, travel the world and die old in each others arms. But not in this universe, not anymore.

Lan Tian