South Park Oneshots & Texts

Wet and Wild - Kyle x Reader

Kyle's POV

"I hope there's less pee than last time," I comment as I follow Stan, Kenny, and Cartman through the gates of PiPi's Splashtown.

"I hope there's less minorities than last time," Cartman replies.

"Shut up, dude!" I elbow him in the ribs, but only feel fat.

"Ey!"

Stan picks out a locker to put our outer clothes in, and everyone strips down to our bathing suits. I cringe as a pack of first graders run past us.

"Gross, dude, look at all those first graders! Everyone knows they pee in the pool."

"It's true, they basically waterboarded me with pee when I took swim lessons that one summer," Cartman adds.

"Is that where your piss kink came from?" Kenny asks and laughs.

"Fuck you, I don't have a fuckin piss kink!"

Kenny and Cartman continue to go back and forth, and I turn to Stan to give him a look of, dammit, there they go again. But he's not looking back at me. I follow his eyes to a gorgeous y/h/c lifeguard sitting on the lifeguard stand above the kiddie pool. Now my eyes are stuck on her, too.

She blows her whistle and points at a first grader to stop running by the pool. Seeing her lips around that whistle made me wonder what else she can blow.

"Kahl! What's weirder, being into piss or Kinny wanting a girl to put her finger in his ass during a BJ?!" Cartman yells in my ear, dragging me back to reality.

"Piss. Definitely piss."

"You're just saying that because you're a germaphobe," Cartman says with a huff.

Stan is still eye-fucking the lifeguard, and Kenny and Cartman soon take notice.

"Damn, I'd let her piss on me," Kenny comments. "Would you let her stick a finger in your ass, Cartman?"

"Totally." Cartman has completely abandoned his argument from a few minutes ago. "I'd let her put anything in my ass."

"What about a dick?"

"Shut the fuck up, Kinny!"

Stan finally breaks from his trance and contributes to the conversation. "We should do something funny to get her attention."

"What are you guys, twelve?" I roll my eyes and ask.

"Come on, dude, we're never gonna see her again after today. We might as well try. Who knows, maybe she only works here because she's into piss and she'll pee on Kenny," Stan continues.

"Yeah!" Kenny pipes up enthusiastically, heading towards the kiddie pool.

"You guys are so fucking gross," I mumble as I follow my idiot friends, knowing I'll have to do damage control once their stupid stunt backfires.

"...okay, okay, and then I'll push Kinny in, and he'll pretend like he's drowning, and then she'll have to give him mouth to mouth." I roll my eyes again as Cartman explains his idiotic plan to harass this poor, beautiful girl.

"On three. One, two-" Before Stan can finish counting down, Cartman body slams Kenny into the kids pool. A first grade girl screams, and the pool water turns yellow around her as she pees in the pool.

"Very funny, boys, now get out of the kids pool before I call security," the lifeguard yells from on top of the stand.

"I told you this would get us kicked out," I mumble again as I cover my face in my hands, completely mortified.