South Park Oneshots & Texts

When The Coffin Shakes - Kenny x Vamp Reader

Kenny's POV

"We're leaving, Karen. Now."

I was so sick of these faggy vampires, and I still couldn't believe that they had sank their stupid plastic fangs into my sister yet again.

"No, Kenny! They're my friends, they're nice to me and they're cool!"

"No, they're not! They're fucking gay, Karen!"

I grabbed my sister by the arm and pulled her towards the doors. Every year without fail, she would fall back into her vampire clique for Mike Makowski's birthday party at Casa Bonita. I thought it was so fucking lame that he was still having his parties here at 18.

"Let her go."

I wasn't planning to oblige until I met the eyes of the vamp wannabe standing in front of me.

Holy shit.

A gorgeous girl decked in all black stood in the way of the door.

"Y/n, don't let him take me home," Karen whined.

Y/n. That's a hot fucking name.

She seemed to pick up on my hesitation.

"I won't, Karen." She shifted her weight onto her hip, her black miniskirt rising ever so slightly to reveal more of her thigh, covered in spiderweb lace stockings. Now was a bad time for me to realize that I had a thing for chicks in tights.

I loosened my grip on Karen's arm inadvertently while my eyes were stuck on her. Karen slipped out of my grip and bolted behind Mike Makowski, who led her through the back door towards the service room for the famous Casa Bonita waterfall.

"Fuck, look what you did!" I swore at her.

"You're lucky I didn't do more."

Why did every word out of her mouth sound so hot? Fuck, I CANNOT get hard right now.

"What's your deal? Every year you ruin Vampir's party and your sister's good time. We like her, isn't that enough for you?"

Vampir. Mike Makowski's stupid vamp name. These people are such freaks... but there was something about this chick that was freaky in all the right ways.

"This isn't my sister. She's not some lame vampire poser." I looked into her y/e/c eyes, entranced by their sharp contrast to her glittery black eye makeup. She must be from around Denver, not South Park. I'd definitely remember if I saw her before.

"She has fun with us. What, you've never had fun before?"

"I have fun when my sister isn't being sucked into a Twilight wannabe clique."

She flipped her y/h/c hair over her shoulder, and I noticed that it was streaked with y/f/c dye. Normally I thought the vamps with hair dye looked stupid, but she was really pulling it off... and pulling me in. I had to get out of here, fast, before Karen got too far from me. And before I got too distracted.

I made a break for the back door, but she grabbed my hood, pulling it off and yanking me back.

"Over my undead body, orange boy."

So fucking lame.

In one swift motion, I grabbed her wrist from behind me and pinned her against the wall. I had plenty of experience fighting vamps, and I wasn't afraid to do it again, but something felt wrong about the possibility of damaging such a pretty face.

She flashed a devilish smile as I pressed her body against the wall with mine, her plastic vampire fangs on full display. My mind immediately went to how they'd feel around my dick.