Backlash Part 2

Chapter 236: Lanling - Lan Wangji

Lan Wangji did not sleep. Xiongzhang rented out the entire inn. He assigned their cultivators to a guard rotation. Every precaution had been taken to ensure that no unauthorized person would even have a chance of breaching the temporary safety that this establishment provided them. Wei Ying and Nuan-er were in his arms. They were not missing. They were injured, but Wen Qing had assured him that their injuries were not life threatening. Should anything change, Wen Qing would come and tend to them immediately. Wen Qing was the best doctor Lan Wangji could ever hope to have available to treat his husband and daughter. She was asleep in the room right next to theirs, and would come in moments if called. They were as safe as they could be under the circumstances.

Lan Wangji still did not sleep. After all, hadn't he thought they were safe in Cloud Recesses? Shouldn't they have been safe in Cloud Recesses? If they could be snatched from behind the wards, in the seat of power of one of the great sects, was anywhere truly safe? If Lan Wangji closed his eyes, would they still be in his arms when he opened them again?

Lan Wangji understood that this was not rational. He understood intellectually that he could not stay awake forever. He would need to sleep. Further, there was a good chance that he would wake if anyone did manage to get past the cultivators patrolling around the inn and guarding the room. This knowledge did nothing to quiet the desperate grasping thing inside his chest that compressed his lungs leaving him unable to take a full breath.

Wei Ying shifted in his sleep. Burrowing further under the blankets. Then shuffling back against Lan Wangji. Curling around Nuan-er a few moments later. Turning further into Lan Wangji's arms. Squishing his face so hard against Lan Wangji's chest that Lan Wangji could feel the sharp jut of Wei Ying's chin stabbing against his ribs.

Lan Wangji felt off-kilter, the world slanted just slightly out of position. It felt like Lan Wangji was holding Wei Ying for the first time. Elated and desperate to catalogue every second of Wei Ying asleep. An experience longed for so desperately that Lan Wangji's mind struggled to comprehend the reality of actually having it. But, that was wrong. Lan Wangji had held Wei Ying in his arms so many times. Slept with Wei Ying's beloved weight against his chest. Counted every eyelash that shadowed his cheek as Wei Ying clung to him. Lan Wangji knew the sound of Wei Ying's sleepy whines, and the feel of Wei Ying's loose limbs turning over in his sleep.

Lan Wangji's heart and mind were in a swirling conflicted turmoil. He was the Lan Wangji who'd held Wei Ying when he wanted to die. He was the Lan Wangji who learned early that Wei Ying, and the beautiful warmth he brought with him, had to be held tightly. Wei Ying was a fire that needed to be tended with care, less he went out and left the world darker and colder for his absence. He was the Lan Wangji that kissed Wei Ying gently when none of his words seemed to properly convey how he felt, and found the affection he had been so afraid to demonstrate accepted and returned in kind.

He was the Lan Wangji who pushed Wei Ying away in confusion and frustration. Emotions too loud and confusing to contain or make sense of. Terrified of what those feelings meant, and terrified of what they could do. He was the Lan Wangji who didn't know what to do, so he did was he was supposed to do. He followed the rules and bowed to his duties, because that was supposed to be the right thing to do. They were supposed to keep him safe, and keep him from making a mistake too terrible to take back.

He was the Lan Wangji who didn't understand what was happening to his beloved. Who wanted to protect Wei Ying, but didn't know how. He was the Lan Wangji who had been raised to believe it was deviating from the rules that brought tragedy and heartbreak. Who was too afraid to express the depths of his regard, because he was terrified of the truth pushing Wei Ying further away from him. Paralyzed by the fear that a misspoken word or an action out of line could trap Wei Ying in a prison, like the one Lan Wangji's own mother died in.