Backlash Part 2

Chapter 214:Two Realities

Lan Wangji stared at the ceiling. His back ached, an echo of the painful lashes he had received. The memory of how much it had hurt to reopen his wounds was still fresh in his mind. Burning bright in his memory alongside the memory of A-Yuan's fevered body in his arms. All of it a shadow of the painful knowledge of Wei Wuxian's death.

Lan Wangji didn't know what reality he was in anymore. The reality where he and Wei Wuxian were betrothed? The reality where Lan Wangji protected Wei Wuxian? The reality where he expressed his love and earned Wei Wuxian's love in return? The reality where Wei Wuxian allowed Lan Wangji to support him throughout the war? The reality where Wei Wuxian returned with him to Gusu?

The more Lan Wangji thought about it, the more that reality felt like a dream. A fantasy where Lan Wangji was able to correct a multitude of regrets. Where Lan Wangji could be a person that Wei Wuxian would find comfort in. A world where Wei Wuxian not only confided in him, but also planned to marry him.

Lan Wangji's tears fell unbidden. Lan Wangji remembered the way the world became cold and colourless in the wake of his mother's death. This was so much worse. Lan Wangji didn't feel empty, he felt split open. He felt like his chest had been ripped open and left exposed to the air.

A new wave of pain ripped through Lan Wangji's soul as he remembered that even in the version of his memories where he had been able to love and support Wei Wuxian, Wei Wuxian had gone missing. Lan Wangji braced himself against the pain and forced himself to sit up. Even if the pain in his chest was not physical, it still felt crippling. The idea of walking and speaking sounded absurd. Lan Wangji was broken, and broken things should not be expected to behave like they were whole.

"Wangji." Lan Xichen's anxious voice preceded the sound of swift footsteps.

Lan Wangji's stomach twisted at the sound of his brother's voice. Lan Wangji remembered his brother and uncle arriving with thirty-three elders. Lan Wangji remembered them trying to take him away from Wei Wuxian by force. He remembered the looks on their faces when he held them off. Lan Wangji remembered his own cowardice. When he allowed them to win with sentimentality what he had refused to yield to their blades. Lan Wangji loved his brother and his uncle. So he allowed them to separate him from Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji compromised again and again. Followed the rules and tried to find the balance that Lan Xichen always seemed so content with. Yet, every time Lan Wangji yielded to his family, Wei Wuxian suffered. Every time Lan Wangji put the rules before his heart, he was left with regrets. Lan Wangji yielded to his family and Wei Wuxian died.

Lan Xichen had discouraged Lan Wangji from going to the Burial Mounds, when Wei Wuxian had taken the Wens there. Lan Xichen had cautioned Lan Wangji regarding Wei Wuxian's changing character. Lan Xichen had gone to the pledge conference where Jin Guangshan had all the sects swear an oath to kill Wei Wuxian. Lan Xichen had led Uncle and the elders to where Lan Wangji hid Wei Wuxian after the battle at Nightless City. Lan Xichen blamed Wei Wuxian for the thirty three lashes on Lan Wangji's back. Blamed Wei Wuxian for leading Lan Wangji to despair.

Lan Wangji did not remember returning to the Cloud Recesses after finding A-Yuan. Did he return? If he did, Lan Wangji would have begged Lan Xichen to accept A-Yuan. He believed his brother would say yes, but Lan Wangji was not certain he trusted his own judgment of these things. It would restore something in Lan Wangji if Lan Xichen had accepted and protected A-Yuan. Some reassurance that his brother was still someone who could be righteous.

Lan Wangji didn't know if that happened. He did not know if he had passed out in the Burial Mounds after finding A-Yuan, or if he had passed out while searching for his missing fiance. He did not know if he was waking up hours later, or months later. Lan Wangji turned slowly to scan the room. There was only Lan Xichen visible. Approaching his bedside with a familiar worried expression. The expression did not tell Lan Wangji anymore than Lan Xichen's presence did.

Lan Wangji wanted to know what world he was in. Was Wei Wuxian missing? Was he dead? Lan Wangji could not bring himself to form the words. In the world where Wei Wuxian was dead, Lan Wangji had not spoken to Lan Xichen since the first strike of the discipline whip. Lan Wangji's heart still ached with betrayal and disappointment.

Lan Wangji still remembered Lan Xichen blaming Wei Wuxian for Lan Wangji's. Wei Wuxian made his choices. Lan Wangji shouldn't suffer for Wei Wuxian's mistakes. Wei Wuxian isn't who he used to be. Don't destroy yourself for him. Their Uncle led disciples from the GusuLan sect to the Burial Mounds. That tiny village of civilians that Wei Wuxian had given everything to protect. Lan Xichen didn't stop them.

"Wangji. How are you feeling?" Lan Xichen asked.

The words grated on Lan Wangji's crumbling nerves. How was he feeling? Ripped open. His chest was a gaping wound and every question like that was the sting of salt on raw flesh. Lan Wangji's hands tightened into fists and he resolutely turned away from his brother. Lan Wangji's anger had stolen his voice. It left all of Lan Wangji's words stuck in his throat where they festered into something putrid and sour.

"Wangji?" Lan Xichen's voice was soft with terror.

Lan Wangji heard the sound of the door opening and closing. Sharp footsteps entered the room and approached the bed without comment. Lan Wangji begrudgingly turned to see who was approaching and found new tears spilling over.

"Wen Qing." Lan Wangji said in a breath of relief. If Wen Qing was here, then there was still a chance for Wei Wuxian. In the world where Wei Wuxian was dead, Wen Qing was already ashes spilled into the wind. That she is alive and present, means Wei Wuxian had not yet failed. Wei Wuxian was missing, but missing wasn't dead. Lan Wangji took a shuddering breath.

"Lan Wangji? What is the last thing you remember?" Wei Qing asked tentatively. Wei Qing. In this world she had taken Wei Wuxian's surname along with the rest of her family. Lan Wangji remembered being pleased about that, but now it creates a deeper ache in his chest. His love, who gave his life for them, deserves to have them as a family, carrying his name. Lan Wangji tried to think about how to answer that question. His memories were in a confusing state. Events from the same years, vastly different, but occupying the same places.

"Too much." Lan Wangji said in a hoarse whisper.

"Do you remember Nuan-er?" Wei Qing asked tentatively. Lan Wangji felt a new pang in his chest. Lan Wangji had not met her in his first life. Had she died in the Burial Mounds before he visited? Or had she died in the labour camp before Wei Wuxian could rescue them?

"She was sick." Lan Wangji whispered, unable to make himself say the words any louder. "Is she still missing?" Lan Wangji did not need to ask if Wei Wuxian was missing. If Wei Wuxian were not missing, he would already be at Lan Wangji's side.

"Yes." Wei Qing said with a small sigh. "We have disciples searching for them, but no one has found anything yet."

"I think we should notify the other sects." Lan Xichen spoke into the uneasy quiet. Lan Wangji's fists tightened until he felt the bite of his nails into his palms.

"The same sects that eagerly stepped over the corpses of innocents so that they could kill Wei Ying and rob his corpse and his home?" Lan Wangji's words were sharp and cold. The icy tone froze Lan Xichen's blood. "Wei Ying has been terrified since the war ended. Terrified that he will find himself abandoned and vilified. Because he has seen how easy it is for everyone to believe him evil. How easy it is for Jiang Wanyin to turn on him. How easy it is for Shufu to lead GusuLan cultivators to a slaughter of elderly farmers. How easy it is for Xiongzhang to accept rumours, and allow innocents to die. Will the sects help us find Wei Ying and keep him safe? Or is one of them the reason that my fiance and daughter are missing?"  The words felt like they had been torn from Lan Wangji's bleeding chest.