Backlash Part 2

Chapter 218: Kneeling in the Snow

Lan Wangji couldn't bring himself to clean the Jingshi. He searched it. He traced every displaced object and overturned container. He study everything that was left and made a list of every object taken. There were items missing, things of value made of silver or jade. Things that could be sold, but made no sense for Wei Wuxian to take. If he wanted money he could have asked Lan Wangji, and Lan Wangji would have handed him his money pouch.

Chenqing and Suibian were missing, but their absence made sense. Wei Wuxian was missing. It would have been more alarming if his sword and dizi were left behind. All of Wei Wuxian's notes that had been out in the Jingshi were gone. Everything in and around his desk had been taken. There was not even a scrap of paper with a half scribbled note to be found.

It was as though all of Wei Wuxian's work had been packed away and taken. Except, Wei Wuxian kept all his work that he considered dangerous in the space under the floor. The same place that Lan Wangji stored Wei Wuxian's Emperor's Smile. That space held completed work Wei Wuxian had deemed too unsafe to share, and particularly sensitive work in progress when Wei Wuxian was not actively working on it.

If Wei Wuxian wanted to take all of his work with him, like the empty desk might imply, these would have been the first items to go. All of Wei Wuxian's notes related to the Yin Hufu were kept there. The Yin Hufu itself was also still in the Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had sealed it in the back hills in a location only the two of them knew. They had not wanted to leave it in the Jingshi, no matter how well sealed, when they had two small children there.

Lan Wangji checked. The Yin Hufu was where they had left it. The wards were intact, and there was no evidence of anyone trying to tamper with them. The only other thing missing was Nuan-er's stuffed tiger. Since Nuan-er had not gone anywhere without it in months, that was also to be expected.

It gave Lan Wangji a small measure of comfort. The toy had been made by Popo, who told Nuan-er it would protect her. Wei Wuxian later modified it. As it stood, it could provide Nuan-er with some protection. Not nearly enough protection when Lan Wangji had no idea who had taken them. And someone had taken them.

Even if Lan Wangji's mind was now filled with a dozen reasons Wei Wuxian might want to leave, the evidence did not support it. If Wei Wuxian left, this was not how he would do it. The things not taken were as telling as the things that were. Wei Wuxian would not have bothered to grab every single little note.

Lan Wangji did not quite understand how Wei Wuxian organized his space, but he always seemed to find what he was looking for. Lan Wangji could not tell the difference between a note Wei Wuxian was 'still using' and a note that was 'trash'. But, Lan Wangji knew that many such things were there and Wei Wuxian would have left them wherever they had been dropped.

The way every scrap in sight had been snatched up reminded Lan Wangji of Wei Wuxian's home in the Burial Mounds. The way it had been picked clean by righteous cultivators transformed into greedy scavengers. Lan Wangji still cannot bring himself to put order to the disturbed space. It is probably someone else who disturbed their home like this, but if it wasn't...

Even though Lan Wangji is certain that this is not Wei Wuxian's doing, there is still the tiny flicker of doubt that wonders if Wei Wuxian wanted to escape. Lan Wangji worries that he missed something. Lan Wangji worries that he pressured Wei Wuxian into too much. If Wei Wuxian did not want to get married, but was too afraid to say no.

Lan Wangji knows, he is almost certain, that these thoughts are not true. However, in the small chance that they are, then the last Lan Wangji ever sees of Wei Wuxian could be this disordered and overturned space. So Lan Wangji cannot bring himself to clean away that chaos that was left in the wake of Wei Wuxian's disappearance. He cannot bring himself to remove the evidence that Wei Wuxian had once been here.

Lan Wangji is not okay. He has two sets of memories in his mind for the last five and a half years. He has memories spanning the next two years that have not happened yet. His chest is tight with pain and regret, like it is something alive that has taken residence in his body.

Lan Wangji knew he had hurt Wei Wuxian in the future that Wei Wuxian remembered. Now and then Wei Wuxian would explain in soft words how he had interpreted the things Lan Wangji said or did. Wei Wuxian was too kind. Wei Wuxian was so gentle in his description of the things Lan Wangji said and did. His eyes filled with soft wonder when he reflected what Lan Wangji had probably been trying to say.

Lan Wangji thought he regretted what he had done to Wei Wuxian in the future, but Lan Wangji had not understood. He had not known the sharp fear and confusion of watching Wei Wuxian using demonic cultivation with no idea why. The frustration and hopelessness of wanting to help Wei Wuxian, but seeming to do nothing but make it worse.

Lan Wangji thinks it is worse now, because he knows how it could have gone. He has lived these years where he learned how to make himself understood. He has learned how to tell when something is wrong, and learned how to offer support. He knows now that those frustrated and fearful demands about Wei Wuxian's cultivation were cutting into Wei Wuxian's soul like condemnation.

Lan Wangji knows now that Wei Wuxian was not lashing out because he was angry and arrogant, but because he was hurt and afraid. If Lan Wangji had understood that, he could have let the outburst wash over him. He could have swallowed his anxiety about revealing his emotions, and made clear to Wei Wuxian that he was loved.

What Lan Wangji had foolishly assumed to be resentful energy warping Wei Wuxian's heart, was a wounded and frightened Wei Wuxian struggling under the weight of the trauma he had endured. While Lan Wangji was scolding Wei Wuxian about cultivating with resentful energy, Wei Wuxian was hearing Lan Wangji reject him for finding a way to move forward.

Every conversation looked so different to Lan Wangji now. When he learned Wei Wuxian had died, Lan Wangji had felt his heart shatter. Lan Wangji was already so broken, but then Wei Wuxian was dead. All Lan Wangji could think about was what he might have done differently.

Lan Wangji replayed every interaction between them, and he ached with regret. He regretted that he pushed Wei Wuxian away when they were young. Lan Wangji regretted that he allowed Wei Wuxian to believe that he hated him.

Wei Wuxian had been missing for three months after the fall of Lotus Pier. Lan Wangji feared Wei Wuxian was dead. When Lan Wangji found Wei Wuxian again, he should not have allowed Wei Wuxian to push him away. Lan Wangji knew now what was happening then. Wei Wuxian was hurt and alone. He was frightened and vulnerable. Lan Wangji's clumsy words felt like an accusation and a threat. Of course Wei Wuxian would push back.

Wei Wuxian had always been the one who pursued Lan Wangji in their friendship. Lan Wangji denied every acknowledgement of closeness. Punished Wei Wuxian for every infraction. Lan Wangji knew what the disciples said about him. More than once Lan Wangji heard disciples ask Wei Wuxian why he kept pestering Lan Wangji. Did Wei Wuxian want to be punished? Did Wei Wuxian not understand that Lan Wangji hated him? If Wei Wuxian believed them, then it was only Lan Wangji's fault.

Lan Wangji's arms ached to reach the Wei Wuxian in his memories that he failed to hold on to. Lan Wangji's soul feels fractured and raw. The grief of losing Wei Wuxian in that time that hasn't yet happened, is overwhelming. Lan Wangji knows he shouldn't be grieving. Wei Wuxian is alive. Lan Wangji has done better this time. But, Lan Wangji feels the sharp edges of his heart where it shattered on Wei Wuxian's death.

If Wei Wuxian were here he would let Lan Wangji hold him. He would let Lan Wangji's tears soak into the fabric of his robes. He would let Lan Wangji confess his regrets in broken whispers. Then Wei Wuxian would kiss away his tears, and tell Lan Wangji that he was forgiven.

Lan Wangji didn't know how to move forward from this. He didn't know how to release his grief... his regret... his shame. Lan Wangji didn't even know if he deserved to. After all, he failed Wei Wuxian so badly in that first life. Left him struggling alone. Became another knife in Wei Wuxian's heart. And, Wei Wuxian was missing now. Wei Wuxian and Nuan-er were gone. Taken away when they should have been safe. When Lan Wangji should have been there to protect them.

Lan Wangji knelt in the Jingshi. His guqin rested on the table in front of him. The chaos and disorder of the ransacked home surrounded him. Without Wei Wuxian's warmth and chaos, the Jingshi was a cold empty place. Lan Wangji had left the chaos and disorder of the Jingshi untouched, but it didn't feel like Wei Wuxian's chaos. It didn't feel warm.

Lan Wangji knelt in the Jingshi, and it felt like kneeling in the snow.