Backlash Part 2

Chapter 219: Ge

Lan Xichen knocked on the door of the Jingshi and waited to see if Lan Wangji would invite him inside. If Lan Wangji said nothing, Lan Xichen would enter regardless. Lan Xichen was one of the only people Lan Wangji had ever allowed into his space. There were others now, and the relationship between Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji was strained in ways it had never been before. But, Lan Xichen was determined to rebuild what was damaged between them. Avoiding Lan Wangji would not do that. If Lan Wangji asked him to leave, Lan Xichen would. But, Lan Xichen would at least make the attempt.

Lan Xichen had actually wanted to make this visit immediately after his talk with Wei Qing in the garden. Wei Qing had advised otherwise. She recommended Lan Xichen give Lan Wangji some time. Time to calm down, time to grieve. Any attempts at a conversation were better when all parties were calm.

In the meantime, Wei Qing checked on Lan Wangji regularly. She gave him a day before she dropped A-Yuan in his lap. According to Wei Qing, Lan Wangji had been startled, but then held A-Yuan like he never wanted to let him go. After that she began to have her youngest didi check in with Lan Wangji regularly. Ostensibly to help care for A-Yuan. Technically true, but mostly so Lan Wangji would not be alone.

Wei Qing spent most of her time with Lan Xichen. Something Lan Xichen deeply appreciated. Wei Qing was someone he could share his thoughts and his concerns with. Not just share, but someone who could give him feedback. Someone who could point out potential pitfalls. Someone who could offer suggestions and alternatives.

Lan Xichen spent long hours thinking about the things Lan Wangji had said and speaking about it with Wei Qing. She didn't tell him what to do, but she did ask challenging questions. Questions that pushed Lan Xichen to think about what he wanted to communicate. Questions that sometimes made him see different ways his words could be interpreted.

Ultimately Lan Xichen had decided he would apologize for the actions, and inaction, that a version of himself had taken. Lan Xichen wanted Lan Wangji to understand that he heard him. Lan Xichen wanted Lan Wangji to understand that he understood how much pain those events had caused. Lan Xichen had not done those things in this life, but they were still very real for Lan Wangji.

So Lan Xichen would apologize, because he wanted to show his didi that he could trust Lan Xichen to listen to him and understand him. It was a trust that Lan Wangji used to have in Lan Xichen. It was damaged now. Not unlike when they were young, and the loss of their mother led Lan Wangji to withdraw from everyone, even Lan Xichen.

Most importantly, Lan Xichen would show Lan Wangji that he would not repeat the same mistakes. Lan Xichen would not insist on inaction. He had the beginnings of a plan, but Lan Xichen was not the one who had seen the future. Wei Qing would of course help him, but Lan Wangji had memories that stretched further than hers.

Lan Xichen entered the Jingshi. It was still a disordered mess, although a bit more manageable. Wei Qionglin had managed to convince Lan Wangji to clean up some of the mess that was created during Wei Wuxian's disappearance. Lan Xichen knew that had not been easy, and Lan Wangji had not returned everything to order.

At the time of Wei Wuxian's disappearance the Jingshi had looked as though a windstorm or wild beast had been released indoors. Lan Xichen was not certain how Lan Wangji had managed to do anything in the space. Especially when even walking around the room had been like picking a path through dense underbrush.

Much of the mess had been cleaned from the floor. Broken items had been collected and placed on a high shelf. Lan Xichen supposed that was for A-Yuan's safety. Most of the surfaces were still covered in chaotic rubble. Only a single low table had been cleared. It served as a space to take meals, or to hold Lan Wangji's guqin.

It was where Lan Xichen found Lan Wangji when he entered. Lan Wangji was sitting at the table properly. His gaze seemed distant and his hands were still. As if Lan Wangji had been mid-motion, but then stopped. As Lan Xichen approached the table Lan Wangji seemed to have been drawn back to the present. Lan Wangji's hands moved with practised ease as he restrung the two broken strings of his guqin.

"Wangji..." Lan Xichen began softly. Lan Wangji's mouth tightened, his lips pressing into a thin line. Lan Xichen took a deep breath to steady himself. He had known this wouldn't be easy, but it hurt to see his didi like this. Lan Xichen stepped forward and kowtowed to his little brother.

"I am sorry Wangji. I am sorry I didn't listen to you. I am sorry that I gave the words of others more consideration than your own. I'm sorry that I was too focused on the letter of our rules, to uphold the spirit of righteousness they are meant to guide us towards. I'm sorry that I doubted your judgment. I'm sorry that I hurt the person you love, and I am sorry that I hurt you. I want to be better than the version of me who took that path and brought you so much pain. If you allow me the chance, I promise to never dismiss your concerns or opinions. I will support you. I will use my authority to defend the weak, rather than allow them to suffer to avoid confrontation. I will help you find Wuxian and Nuan-er. No matter where they are, and no matter who has taken them. We will find them, and we will bring them home." Lan Xichen opened his mouth. He wanted to say more. He had practised this apology, and he was certain there had been more he had planned to say.

"Not the same." Lan Wangji's voice was quiet, but easily heard in the silence of the Jingshi.

"I know I am not the same version of myself that did those things. However, It is a version of myself that I could be, and a version of myself who hurt you. Even with this chance to undo these mistakes, they are still a real thing that happened to you. A version of me broke your trust and let you down. I am so sorry didi." Lan Xichen ached with the knowledge of how much he had hurt his didi. Even if it was not the Lan Xichen of now, who had done it. Even if the Lan Xichen who had done those things, did not intend to hurt Lan Wangji. The reality was that Lan Wangji was hurt by it, and was still hurting.

"Ge," Lan Wangji whispered.

Lan Xichen's head snapped up immediately. His didi had not called him 'ge' since even before their mother's death. Lan Wangji had been five, and only just received his forehead ribbon. Lan Xichen had stood in for their parents and tied the ribbon around Lan Wangji's head while their uncle recited the meaning and customs of the forehead ribbon. Lan Wangji had bowed to Lan Xichen and thanked him, using the more formal address of 'Xiongzhang'.

"Need Wei Ying." Lan Wangji continued in a hoarse whisper. Lan Xichen saw the open vulnerable look in Lan Wangji's eyes and surged forward. Lan Xichen opened his arms and Lan Wangji folded himself into Lan Xichen's embrace.

"I know Didi. I'm here. We'll find him. We'll find them both." Lan Xichen spoke tones as he held his didi close. Lan Wangji buried his face into Lan Xichen's shoulder and clung to Lan Xichen in a way he had not done since he had been a very young child. Lan Xichen held him and didn't say anything when he felt his shoulder grow damp.