Break me until there's nothing left

5

Being a mother is part of my many dreams, it's something I've waited my whole life for. But now that I am going to become a mother, why am I not as happy?

It feels so wrong, but I can't help but feel this way. There's no doubt that I'm going to love our baby to no end, but will there be any type of resent for the baby?

Just because this baby will be the reminder of Minji's actions?

It's been a couple of days since the news fell from my lips, and I haven't heard of Minji since then.

I hated not knowing what was going through her mind, but I do also thank whatever it is, that is keeping her away from me.

I looked at myself in the mirror, looking at every single wound on my body healing slowly, the bruises disappearing as well.

I wasn't in pain anymore, no more anguish and regret.

But will this peace I feel last? Or will the storm stir up once more when Minji walks through those doors?

I let out a sigh as I placed my palm against my belly, feeling the bump. I couldn't help but smile, but why were tears falling from my eyes?

I looked at my face once more, and saw the scars, the scars that Minji has left on me.

I wonder why I let this get so bad, after the night she had raped me, I could've left her side and moved on with my life, even if I had to carry that damn memory in my head.

But why didn't I?

Why couldn't I leave her? Even if I knew that my life was going to be ripped apart by her own hands.

My mind was more than right, telling me to leave now and raise this child alone. But my heart, oh god my heart, telling me to stay because maybe, by chance, she'll change.

It's war between my mind and heart, and I don't think I can stand being in the middle anymore.

A part of me wants her to suffer, to feel the slightest bit of pain, even thought I know nothing will pain her.

Nothing would ever break her cold stoned heart.

But then the part of me that loves her, wants to make her change, because maybe there's hope.

How am I going to change her? When she sees me as the disgrace of her life?

My heart is shattered because of her, and she will never be able to glue those pieces back together.

Even if she did, I would never be the same.

The bright and loving Hanni will never come back, I will always be the Hanni she created for the rest of my life.

Every part of me was molded to her liking, her hands on me sculpting me to the woman she has made me.

I'm at the edge, one more reason and it'll push me off making me fall to what is my destiny, shattering into trillions of pieces.

I don't think I can hold on anymore, the grip I've had on myself is becoming loose, the more I stay with her, the more I want to die.

But I can't, I can't anymore.

I can't take the life of this little angel that's growing in me, it'd be so unfair to this innocent being.

I can do it, a couple of more months and I'll be free to leave without feeling any guilt.

"Will you forgive me? Will you forgive me if I leave you?" I asked as I caressed the bump with such gentleness.

The thought of leaving this precious being in the hands of the monster, made my heart hurt.