Break me until there's nothing left

9

Minji

I paced back and forth outside of Hanni's hospital room, Dr. Choi is in there with her. Checking up on her, to make sure she's okay.

I felt so physically drained, but I needed to be here with her. She needed me here.

How did it get so bad?

I let out a sigh as leaned against the wall, not knowing about Hanni's health right now, was eating me up.

Was it my fault? Did this happen because of me? Why was I feeling so guilty?

"It's her fault, you can't blame yourself for something you had no part of." The other voice inside my head said.

"I know, but I also do know that this is on me." I said back, guilt was really eating my me up. Did everything lead up to her second seizure?

A part of me was scared to know that answer, I didn't want to hear it.

As I had finally made the decision to walk in there and figure out why it was taking so long, the door swung open.

Revealing Dr. Choi, who looked at me with blaming eyes, I furrowed my eyebrows.

"I don't like to be blamed." The voice inside my head said, my hands becoming fists at the statement.

I was about to speak when Dr. Choi spoke up.

"She's alright, she'll need to stay here a couple of days to make sure no other seizure would occur." Dr. Choi said, I heard hesitation in her voice.

"I'm sorry, but Hanni had a miscarriage, the seizure was too intense for the baby to handle." As soon as she said that, I felt a pang to my chest. She lost the baby?

I felt my blood run cold.

I took a step back, I looked at Dr. Choi with the 'I don't believe you' look.

I never admitted it, but I was happy with the baby, I was expecting the baby to come and bring us all back to life.

But now, that little last hope I had, was gone.

"She lost the baby, she killed our baby!" The voice in my head screamed, I felt my blood starting to boil.

I felt angry with Hanni, and before I was even able to make my way inside the room, Dr. Choi stopped me.

She placed her hand on my chest, pushing me back, away from the door that separated my hands from Hanni.

"What's wrong with you?!" I yelled as I pushed her back, her eyes warmed me to calm down.

"You have to tell her Minji, because she lost this baby because of you." I froze to the accusation, I have to tell her? And along with that, I'm being blamed?

How is this any of my fault? I didn't tell Hanni to have a seizure, did I?

"Are you pointing a finger at me, Yena? It was a seizure, how could it be my fault?" I asked with gritted teeth.

For the first time in my life, I saw fury in her eyes. "You still question if it's your fault?! She has PTSD because of you!" Her yell caught me by surprise, making me flinch.

She ran her hand through her hair and cleared her throat.

PTSD? Because of me? That's not possible, she's only pointing fingers. But then it hit me, this is how it started for me.

After so much, my mind couldn't take it anymore. Maybe she's right?

"Don't be dumb Kim! Hanni is only finding someone to point a finger at. She killed our baby, you can't let that slide now, could you?" The voice inside my head said, I shook my head trying to get the voice out.