Spellbind

20. Recklessly Fell [For You]

"—What do you think the parson found, when he got up and stared around?

The poor old chaise in a heap or mound, as if it had been to the mill and ground!

You see, of course, if you're not a dunce, how it went to pieces all at once,—

All at once, and nothing first.

Just as bubbles do when they burst. End of the wonderful one-hoss-shay.

Logic is logic. That's all I say."

Oliver Wendell Holmes; The Wonderful "One-Hoss-Shay" 

Fred POV:

Entry: Whatever— It's not like you'd ever know what I'm about to write.

I sat in a space between my bed and the table near it. Clutching my raggedy lambskin journal, eager to scribble down my reckless thoughts, before my brother found time to search for me. The last I saw him, he was taking Niyla's first kiss.— It was shattering. Though I knew I wasn't supposed to feel that devastating loss and envy. Which is why I must sit here and bleed once again for her, on this old book, and go on like every day I don't burn for her. To know that I've loved her endlessly, before she even knew who we were.

"We must be meant to be... Even if not for each other..." My heart leaped excruciatingly as I wrote the next line, and the words fell from my chest and tears formed ripples on the page.

A truth known to no one— especially not even my twin brother, who I've shared everything with for as long as we could think back— is, in a latched box charmed to stay closed unless opened by me. Inside a steamer trunk in my bedroom back home, are letters of affection for a girl. I was forced to bleed my feelings for her onto parchment when it seemed I would be unlikely to contain my emotions. The ones from earlier years are still legible, for they were written and read only once before another was placed inside the box that might as well have my heart locked into just the same. Because what would be the point in carrying my heart around, when every time I see her, I am threatened and become solely on the verge of surrendering my feelings for her.

At first, I thought nothing of it when I saw her for the first time again when I walked into that compartment on the train to start another year at Hogwarts. And an old suffocating shortness of breath pulled me up short when I looked into those tellurium-colored eyes. I felt that dizziness countless times before when I remembered that day I first met Remus Lupin and his daughter.— I had yet to know her name. Admittedly, it was odd that I found a sudden attraction to the magnetic pull, that instantly had me straining not to look at her as I sat in front of her.

Yes, the thought to back away and find an empty compartment crossed my mind, but it was hardly for a tenth of a second. I was sitting opposite her before I truly caught my breath. And then we shared some words and eventually she stated her name and I knew it was fate. I walked into that tiny room and everything expanded and I saw exactly where our two worlds were always going to collide. However, the time away was not wasted, nor was the time spent with her. Because as long as she was in my life and didn't disappear as she once did, I do not care if her eyes are intensely trained on another.

I thought I could accept that consolation prize— not being the one she'd choose but having her in my life was good enough for me. But when it became apparent it was my brother who she loved. Pretending what I felt wasn't real, would probably be no worse than coming to terms with the fact she and I would be wrong.

But, oh, how I found a sense of gratification in the sound of anyone saying her name. Such an attractive tone when it came from her lips, even more so when she spoke mine and her silvery eyes momentarily flickered in my direction. Even if I will never have the ability to hold her attention for more than a mere second, I can see no other way than to be content in having her just exist in the background of my life. Because I think it intolerable to imagine the possibility of her completely disappearing again.