Calm Down ~ Jeong Jaehyun

~ 5 ~

Here's the difference between Jaehyun and I.

In the grand scheme of life, he matters, I don't.

That's not even me trying to sound mysterious or something- it's the honest truth.
My grades will inevitably fail me in life one day, there'd be a point at which nobody would care if I was the top student in 2016.
I've come to accept that over the past few weeks I've known Jaehyun.

Nothing he does is enlightening, yet his presence is enough to make me reflect on myself.

Have I wasted the best years of my life?
Should I have spent more time making friends instead?
Why didn't I just go back to America as an international student?

All those questions began to run around in my head.
My brain could hardly take it.

It was like these little creatures were trapezing over my neurons, lacing each spot with the question of whether or not I messed everything up.
It was unbearable, yet there was nothing I could do to mute out the constant turmoil that I had instilled into myself. 

Nobody has really doubted me, they always are expectant of my success, so the few times where I mess up I feel like a melted bar of soap: useless until remolded.

In some way, I feel as if Jaehyun is the mold, putting me back together.

He's unknowingly teaching me to be who I once was, happy, free, and naïve.
I know everybody says it, but there's a saying that I wholeheartedly believed.
Ignorance is bliss.

I'm the opposite of ignorance, I know too much. That's why I'm so empty, I've left no room inside my soul for the light and fluffy parts of life. 

But Jaehyun is the epitome of freedom, at least based on what I've seen.

The thing is, Jaehyun is blissful because he doesn't know anything. 

I'm not saying that I want to forget all the information I've garnered in the past 17 years of my life, but I'm also not saying that I'm grateful to know it. 

When I think about who I once was when I was younger, I can't help but see myself as a different person altogether. It's hard to imagine myself being so loose.

I looked out of the window again. It was mandarin class, there was no reason for me to listen anyways. 

I watched the elementary students walk down the sidewalk, each one had a bright and colorful backpack.

I remember when I first moved to Korea. I didn't know anybody- I didn't even know the language.
Yet somehow I still made friends.

The day after I had first moved in, there was a knock on our door.
I ran to open it, and took an extra minute to try and turn the knob with all of my power.

The door swung open and stood in front of me was a boy holding three containers. 
"Hi!" I had waved, stupidly unaware that I was in a Korean speaking country.
"....Hello," the boy said as he bowed and handed me the food.
I cocked my head at him and called for my mom, who then swiftly ran over and thanked the boy.
"What's your name?" I asked him as he started to walk away.
He turned around and kind of stared at me, as if the language I was speaking was foreign (spoiler: it was foreign!).

I stood there for a moment and thought, before finally coming up with the 'right' phrase.

"너 ... 이룸!" (You.... Name!")
He grinned at my poor speaking, then waved at me.
"Jeong Jaehyun."
I nodded my head and smiled as he walked back to the stairs, then I closed the door and forgot all about it.

Upon hearing my horrible Korean, my parents had signed me up for badminton. They figured that forcing me into an environment where everybody would constantly speak Korean would be a helpful place for me.