Calm Down ~ Jeong Jaehyun

~ 16 ~

Being admitted to Seoul National was my dream.

It was all I ever truly desired.

However, while achieving my goals, I failed to maintain purpose.

It was difficult to put a smile on my face when I went to school, and it was even harder to go to class in the first place.
I'm sure my friends noticed, but we all seemed to be the same.

What had seemed to make that even worse was that my parents had begun questioning if going to SNU was the right choice.
I know I'm considered smart at my high school, but at a university the standards were just higher. 
My parents seem to be worried about this. 

I understand that they're overly stressed to let their only child leave the house, but it's almost as if my parents are inadvertently criticizing me.
What arguably hurt the most was the suggestion that I would be better at another school, since I would be "average at SNU".

I know my parents didn't truly mean it, but to hear someone verbalize my fears was enough to send me spiraling. 

I sighed as I stood up from my desk.

It was a Saturday. 
The days had been getting longer as the seasons changed, meaning I had to wait even longer til dark.
I opened my curtains and checked that the sky had turned a deep blue, before putting on my sweater.
I then stepped towards my desk and pulled out my lighter from the back of my drawer, and my cigarettes from inside an old math folder. 

I stuffed both into my pockets and slowly peeped my head out of my door.
My parents were both asleep.
My dad had just gotten back from a business trip, and my mom always slept early.

I pursed my lips as I slid my feet across the floor, avoiding the creaky spots, then made it to the door.

I hid my slippers inside the coat closet, just in case, then put on my slides.
Then, I quietly opened the door and snuck out.

As I took the steps down, I checked the time on my phone.
It was around 8 PM.
That's around the time Jaehyun would be walking home from soccer.

Not that I care...

I stepped out into the cold air and walked to the complex playground, making sure nobody was around before bringing the thin cylinder to my lips.
I lit the flame and sat in silence, leaning my head against the chain of the swing, as I inhaled then blew out the smoke.

What if I wasn't good enough?

The thought irked me.

I always had this infatuation with being the best; it never struck me that I wouldn't be able to remain as #1 for my whole life. 

With that thought, I let out another long blow of smoke.

Everything just felt so meaningless, I was no longer happy nor satisfied with my achievements. 

"What now?" 

I quickly lifted my eyes up, my hand falling from my lips to my side.

It was Jeong Jaehyun, smiling at me through the fence.

"Nothing."
"Liar," He said as waited for me to let him in.

"Just go home, it's really nothing."
"I've climbed this fence before Nari, and I'll do it again. I don't care if you're upset, I'm bored."

I found myself walking to the gate, letting Jaehyun even though my head was screaming at me to stop. 

I walked back to the swing with that same stupid grin slapped onto my face.