Chapter 8
Lisa
Having dinner with Irene and Bambam was a welcoming change for me, plus I got some insight what Bambam's domestic life is like. Warm and loving. I am standing on the porch, leaning on the fence and smoking my cigarette. I don't smoke much, perhaps once every 2 or 3 weeks, but today it feels right to do it. As I am drifting away in my thoughts, thinking about how my life is going to change now, what I could do with my place, reminding myself I should tell my father the good news and of course, wondering whether I should call my mother as well, the door opens, and I hear heavy footsteps.
I glance to the side and see Irene squeezing a jacket around her shoulders. Just from the way I look at her, she knows what I'd like to know "You seemed lonely."
I puff the smoke in other direction and put the cigarette out "Thank God, I have you."
She chuckles quietly and leans on the fence as well "Lisa..." Her lips close, and it seems like she's trying to gather her thoughts together "You don't... seem excited about the promotion."
I snort "It's a real tragedy, making your dreams come true."
"Don't be sarcastic with me."
I eye her warily "You really are a mother now." But by looking at her, I realise how childish she must've found me. "Maybe I do, I just don't show it. You can ask Bambam what I was like during every Christmas and birthday. I was happy, excited and thankful, but I wasn't jumping for joy. I'm the person that keep emotions to themselves." As I speak, fragments of memories become the centre of my thinking, creating a whole different image in front of my eyes. There was no Irene, there was a Christmas tree, underneath it wrapped presents waiting for someone to open them, red and green lights flashing around the apartment, the smell of cookies with cinnamon leaving a delicious trail to the kitchen... All of it.
She listens to me but doesn't believe a word I say. When she speaks, she sounds pissed and annoyed with me. "First of all, you're that collected person only when you are out there searching for your prey for the night. Second, whenever you had a girlfriend, you stayed at her place for Christmas, so much for respecting your family members or, if speaking about your birthday, you never told anyone when it was. And third, Bambam told me about that time of a particular year and by the sound of his voice and the words he used, you hated Christmas after your Dad moved out. You did all sorts of things to keep it great, but you never really enjoyed any part of it. Or your birthday. Or anything that was about you. So, cut the crap."
I know better than to talk back to her and I just shut up. The silence stretches between us, and it feels like the ground is opening between us, pulling us apart. Why would silence feel that way, I have no idea, but it's real, so real I can almost see it.
For not even a moment does she look away, her eyes stay fixed on my face like she is trying to break into my thoughts and consciousness. It doesn't take her long to bend her head down, finally looking away from me so that I can relax. She sighs a few times before she starts talking "I know what's going on."
I snort and despite everything, her being pregnant and all, I take out another cigarette. She pissed me off with this shit talk. "Oh, do you now?" I sigh as well in an angry way, hoping she'll get the hint and just stop with this bullshit "I know you wanted to study psychology and as much as it pains me to say this... You didn't study it; you don't have that extraordinary degree. So, you don't know what any of this is about." I light my cigarette and inhale once "Okay, so I'm not as excited as you people expected or wanted me to be, but maybe I am relieved that all this hard work is basically over. Have you ever thought of that?"
She listens to me carefully now, actually trying to imagine the feeling "And what did it feel like when your boss told you 'Hey, you're the head engineer now!' How did it feel?"
