Chapter 102
Lisa
I dread the thought of having to go home. That's where I will see Jennie again. I'll probably walk in on her right in the middle of her preparations for the date. In a way I'm curious about it. Maybe she got those high heels and a nice dress just to show effort even though it might be completely meaningless. That could be a thing, now that I think about it... she was nervous when it came to telling me about the date! Who knows! Maybe that was because she is so unsure about it herself, but as a hopeless romantic that she is, the dress and all she has in-store are because she doesn't want to miss her chance. What if all of this was for nothing? Who am I even kidding... Jennie isn't plain and vague, this date obviously means something to her. Unlike me...
I should remain unbiased for now. I don't know anything and I can't come to a conclusion just yet. If I happen to see her dressed up and ready to go, I will know it all for sure. If I see her only in a dress and heels without other additions, I will know she's not trying to daze the fucker. That would fix everything and all of it will be as it was before! But if I see her going the extra length, wearing makeup and having her hair up and you know other things women do to show effort, I will just straight up shoot her. We'll see if she'll go on a date then! I don't think I can be unbiased... even if Jennie doesn't put blush on her cheeks or use mascara, she's gorgeous. Too gorgeous!!!
And even if she's not flirting or going out of her way to impress someone, she still succeeds at it. She is a sweetheart, someone everybody likes whether they know her or not. The fucktard that's taking her out tonight will go for her, no doubt, and I'll be waiting for him in the parking lot to level his brains with the road. What if not knowing what her plan is also kind of what's better for me? Ignorance is bliss is how the saying goes and maybe there is some truth to it. I should drop all of this and worry about raising Leo. If there's one thing I won't allow to happen is that I turn out as bad of a parent as my mother. But I can't just let it go. I am absolutely tormented by all of this. What I most probably need is proper closure, no matter how it turns out to be. It's this doubt that is most likely going to kill me.
Two years ago when I was scouring the internet for any interesting articles, I came across one about a lady that needed three years to find out about her diagnosis. It was super rare and the doctors were appalled by the symptoms at first. Once they told her she probably has cancer, then something else, and they kept changing their minds because nothing would really fit completely. In the article where I first found out about her, she said finding out diagnosis and eventually also her final and correct one wasn't as terrifying as being in doubt. Even when the real diagnosis was horrible and lethal, she was just relieved to finally know what was happening. So... whatever Jennie's intentions are, what harms me most is trying to guess them and never really know about them for sure.
I can try to imagine how relieved I'd be if she's just trying to pull some kind of a cruel prank on me, or how much it'd piss me off to find out she wants to give that guy a proper chance. Until it actually happens and I finally find out what the fuck is up, it's impossible to know how I'll deal with it. I'm just making it worse for myself. I at least had me, my opinions and convictions. Now I don't even have that... I'm a real fucking genius sometimes. I should be working on the projects, approving them, talking to those that have impressed me, or have lunch with someone – Hae-in, for instance. Actually, no... forget Hae-in. He's too involved with Jisoo and too curious about Jennie and me getting along. He's too suggestive and right now I want to talk about anyone else but Jennie. I've kept myself more than busy enough with that woman, I don't need Hae-in rubbing it all in with his best intentions. I love him, but I don't want to see anyone that is in any way connected to very specific ginger. Just forget anyone. I've been with Miyeon earlier in the morning and as nice as that was, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I will just end up loathing the conversation no matter who am I having it with. Engineering is so much easier than having to think about your feelings. Solar cells are simpler than the issue I have with Jennie's date tonight. For all I know, more important as well.
