Spirit Animals Oneshots

The Three and the Degenerate

What if Meilin hadn't fully recovered from the sleepwalking control of the Bile? What if she has been hiding it for two years, and it finally hurts someone she cares about?

TW: A bit of blood, mind control, trauma and abuse, PTSD, panic attack/mental breakdown, suicidal thoughts, Rollan being down bad for Meilin, etc.

Italicized means thoughts/past experiences.

< Meilin >

Letting everyone know I wasn't in full control of myself was definitely out of the question.

After nearly killing my friends and aiding Zerif in Erdas' utter demise two years ago, a lot has happened. My mind is pulled so far off track, I haven't had much time to just... Hash it all out. 

Not that I will.

Besides, I don't need to bother anyone. Conor is finally doing okay. Abeke is doing okay. Rollan is hopefully doing okay, we haven't had much time to talk. But me?

I haven't found my escape yet. I can still feel the Bile coursing through my veins and the ever present darkness evading my mind. It makes me feel as if I'm a danger to everyone and everything around me. 

My father wasn't ever much for emotion. I loved him with all my heart, but there was just too much he couldn't teach and too much he couldn't provide. Father hadn't known or understood me. I could never voice anything, and his only reply would be, "recite the three". He had experienced too much and too little at the same time, as confused by himself as everyone else. His pain didn't make him stronger, it made him suffocating. 

It was something his commander had taught him. 

Be firm.

Be strong. 

Be absolute. Always

If you aren't, then you'll never truly be a warrior. Just an insignificant weakling.

I could hurt someone else again, Dad. I can't stay firm, strong, and absolute much longer without breaking apart at the seams. 

But I'm careful. So very careful as to hide it, like him. 

No one sees the misery, the fear... 

Or the whispers of death in the night.

I deserve to die, you don't understand. Everyone would be safer if I did. 

I just don't deserve this life. I don't deserve anything I have. 

If I was dead, maybe it would all be given to someone who does.

And the lists come. All the people who should have been given someone other than me. Like the greencloaks, who would fair better with a mightier, superior defense. Or father, who wouldn't be dead. Grahv would have killed me instead. Jhi, my precious Jhi, who wouldn't have been forced into this. She'd find another more equipped for forming a bond and who would've loved her for who she was from the start.

And my teammates, my friends, the rest of the 4 Fallen... They would be better off without me.

I would never be able to kick open the door on them again.

Wait, what did I just say? 

"It's quite rude. Knocking exists," Abeke sighs, rolling her eyes. I glance up in surprise, not realizing anyone else had been in the room with me.

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry for ruining your make out sesh with sheepboy, but Olvan needs to borrow you two lovebirds." Hearing Rollan's voice makes me flinch. I know he can read me much easier than the rest, and I look around to see if anyone notices. The only one who does is Conor, but the curiosity leaves his eyes not too long after.