Spirit Animals Oneshots

Only Soama

This is basically a random dump of words... I didn't really plan it, I just thought about Abeke talking about being inferior to her sister all the time and wrote it.

Tw: Negative self-image, psychological/verbal abuse, and depressive thoughts.

< Abeke> 

Why can't you be more like Soama? She obeys the rules. If you had only taken after Soama...

Only Soama was intelligent.

Soama would've been home on time. Soama wouldn't have been so clumsy.

Only Soama had grace.

Your sister is what you never could be. Worthy of her title.

Only Soama was talented.

You were never my daughter, and you never will be. 

Only Soama was loved.

Soama... Soama... SOAMA. Always her and never me. Couldn't I be enough, for anyone? In father's eyes, I was nothing. Precious Soama, she was everything. 

For years I had done all I could to prove myself. To hear that he was proud of me, that he loved me just as much as my sister. Yet the day those words slipped from his lips, they felt artificial.

I nearly died, saving Erdas. It took something that big to even acknowledge me, to show me affection. A half-hearted hug didn't fix anything.

He wasn't there to realize his mistake and beg my forgiveness, he was there under obligation, rejoicing my success for the sake of his own reputation. If someone noticed his absence, noticed his disregard... they'd bring to question dedication and loyalty. Not only as a father, but as a chieftain. 

For a man who is incapable of loving his daughter surely cannot love his people. 

Telling my friends our relationship was better now was a lie. Sure, father may offer words of comfort and support... But I cannot take them as they are. Every time, I question the integrity of them. If he was incapable of loving me then, why now? 

When I'm finally something worth loving.

I bow my head, fighting against the endless spill of tears. The water below distorts shape ever so slightly, each lap of the waves drumming through my mind. I am such as them, swept away. 

My arms are held limply to the side and the malicious afternoon sun takes advantage. It holds out a torch, lighting my skin aflame and laughing at the amusing sight. Feeling powerless against it, I bring it to view and watch as words seeped through my veins, the sharpness of the tone piercing my delicate glass heart. 

Soama was always the greatest there ever could be. And I was of the slumps. I was the rodent scurrying across the plain, disrupting the motion of the slow-blown grass. I infected all with my contagion, and this disease of which I was could only change through fame. 

Yet, I'm still yearning for father's acceptance. I'm merciful towards a one-sided love, I'm submitting myself to the pain because I'll take even just a faux. So long as I hear the word love. Perhaps it's why I spent so much time dismissing Shane's behaviour... Convincing myself he was better than the person he really was. Because all I've ever wanted is for someone to care about me. Abeke, the hunter. Abeke, the unlovable daughter.

I want to see the world burn without me. To know that I provide something, and I don't waste space. I want everyone to watch me walk away and know that redemption is gone. I want to know I hold value. Then... Only then will I feel as though I'm something more than nothing. 

Uraza rubs against my side, and I push her away. 

She wants me to feel better about myself. About this. 

Conor, Meilin, Rollan... They all do too. In a way, the four of us have became a family. And until yesterday, I finally felt the joy of it. Thanks to my father and his little stunt of showing up in the blue, reminding me of why I have doubt in the first place- even that feels fake.

So no, I don't want to feel better. Right now, I don't want to feel anything ever again.

Soama's probably happy. Soama doesn't look as though she feels numb. It's the first time I've ever brought to question why I couldn't be more like her. Happy- and not numb. 

The words leave a weird taste in my mouth. Thinking about myself has always been difficult. 

My whole life has been only Soama. But finally, I question, what about me?

Yeah a bit angsty. Anyways, watch this: