A last goodbye |Sonadow|

A Crush?

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On the day I fell in love with you, well, rather the day I discovered my love for you because it was genuinely obvious that I adored you before, I just didn't know or understand it, our battle was intense, and we suffered great losses. The few of us who remained were injured, including you and me. Your bravery led you to confront the soldiers that were running against us, despite the warning shouts echoing around you. You were shot in the leg, while I was wounded in the hand trying to protect you and take you to a safe place to prevent further harm.

I vividly remember that moment when your life hung by a thread in my arms, and it was a miracle that you managed to survive, but you did. Both of us did. It was then that the soldiers surrounding us began to have much more confidence in you, acknowledging your strength and tenacity.

At that instant when I glimpsed the possibility of losing you, I felt like my world was crumbling around me. It was a frozen heartbeat in time, as if everything I knew was destined to collapse. Who would say how the world is?

It was in that moment of desperation and clarity that I realized that what I felt for you transcended friendship; I discovered that a piece of my heart belonged to you. From your enchanting eyes to your hair as dark as the night, every feature, every word, your very essence, captivated me irreversibly.

Still, I didn't want those feelings. How selfish one had to be to think about falling in love when just turning your head a little, a pile of lifeless bodies lay next to you, how perverse your mind had to be to think that there was a possibility that a guy could be attracted to another. At least that's what I believed back then. Like any "good father", mine made sure to teach me what was right, what was normal. I never questioned what my dad told me, not even once. If there was a man and a woman in the world, it was for them to be together, not to relate to their same gender. My father never forced me to start a relationship with any girl, but he never failed to establish that it wouldn't be possible with a guy.

Time passed and both thoughts circled in my brain simultaneously and incessantly. A carousel of questions and rejections for the same idea. By this point, it was more than evident that I liked you, or was attracted to you. Every day there was no shortage of internal strife about my situation; maybe it would be easier if I just accepted that I liked you, but what if I did and had to endure the pain of not being reciprocated, or worse, what would happen with the people around me? My father, mother, and campmates would look at me with disgust, repel me. My father would leave this world thinking he had failed to raise me, educate me. I didn't want to be his disappointment or a reason for him to be ashamed.

All my life I wanted to live up to his expectations, doing my best to stand out. It wasn't and isn't easy, which is why I tried to do the best I could, on the battlefield and even in simple things like controlling my temper. I didn't find it amusing to start a fistfight with soldiers from my own side. However, without trying to justify myself, there were occasions when it really was difficult for me to stay focused and not let my anger out. People don't irritate me but their presence overwhelms me and I don't usually take things personally, but for the first time I would make an exception and for something very stupid. It could be that you didn't like me and even so, I denied feeling anything for you, but it was inevitable that a very deep fury took hold of me every time I saw you with her. Concentrating was difficult for me; just by looking at you for a few seconds, those emerald eyes of yours generated a very deep pit in my stomach, even the slightest trace of air escaped from my lungs, I felt as if my heart was leaving its place with the desire to reach out and merge with yours. However, seeing you close to Amy made these feelings quickly fade away and a terrible and bitter mix of anger and sadness came in their place. It burned like salt on a freshly made wound.

She had only been one more among many until now and I didn't want to accept that my anger came from the feelings I had towards you. I may sound egocentric; still, at that moment there was no war more warlike than the one I felt fighting against my anger; the desire to disfigure that girl's face exceeded what was healthy; however, it was clear that my fantasy would not be possible, so I chose to do the same thing she did to me. I wouldn't be the only one drowning in jealousy. Not if I had the chance to do something about it.

Even though I didn't want to show that I felt something for you, I would make sure to spend more time by your side, make an effort to relate more with the rest, and above all, even if it cost me, I would stay by your side always, at every opportunity that arose, I would hug you or pat you on the back. If I were going to endure jealousy then she would too.

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