Vivi

XIX

The climb took so long. Vivi had covered thousands upon thousands of miles in less than an hour, and yet these few stairs felt like a lot.

Why am I making myself work so hard?

But Vivi didn't really consider changing anything.

At last, she was there. The top. The moon shone in through an open window; an almost normal sight, if unusually brilliant in its whiteness, like bleached teeth. There wasn't much in this room.

What's that?

A mirror, I think.

Vivi approached it. It was covered with a silvery cloth. After just a moment of hesitation, she pulled it down.

Vivi saw herself.

She looked determined: Now, what does this mirror do?

Confused: Isn't this just a plain old mirror?

Frustrated: Come on, what does this mirror do?! Why am I standing in front of a mirror?!

Angry, even: Is this it? Is this what I was in such a hurry for? Is this what I thought would fix my feelings? Glaring at my own ugly face??!

"Is this it?!" Vivi shouted aloud. The void sucked her voice away, making it sound disturbingly muffled and quiet.

Damn it, what was I expecting?!

The silence drew on; Vivi continued to stare herself down.

What have I done?

What have I done, creating a fluffy girl-prison in space?

What is all of this? Who am I fooling? Who do I think I am to play these games?

Vivi wanted to scream — and did; except it came out strangled and tired, and petered out after a moment.

Vivi sank to her knees.

I'm lost.

I'm so lost.

Vivi put her face in her hands.

I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm lost.

Vivi wept.

I've failed and all I'm going to hear from anyone else is "What did you think would happen?"

I want to run away from it all.

I can't.

I'm stuck.

I'm lost.

Vivi slipped down onto the ground; all the strength had drained away from her limbs.

Vivi vaguely fantasised about the oxygen running out from her spacesuit, suffocating her. Maybe that was happening already, and that was why her chest felt so tight.

My angel will let me die this time. He can't force me to go back.

Let me die.

Vivi had no idea how long she lay there, dark thoughts chasing each other through her mind. She forgot or stopped being able to simulate gravity, and drifted slowly around the room.

Vivi found some measure of comfort just surrendering to her thoughts, letting them be there, letting them flow. She could kind of watch them. She stopped taking them completely seriously.

Gradually, gradually, an inner light grew in her chest.

With surprising clarity, Vivi felt the beginnings of an action impulse. She stretched out her legs and willed herself gently back down to the ground.

Vivi's gaze turned to the mirror. Her heart sank, but something in her encouraged her to try.

She took a step to stand fully before the mirror again.

Her face was sad, confused, heartbroken even —

Then a blissful presence dawned in Vivi's mind. In Vivi's imagination, her surprised face almost seemed to acquire a halo.

Vivi. You wanted to talk to me.

It was Chamuel – the real Chamuel, not the robot she'd made in their image. Her actual guardian angel.

"I'm so happy you're here," cried Vivi.

Of course I'm here. I'm always here, said Chamuel, every bit of that thought full of love and care and understanding.

"Chamuel, I've been so lost," said Vivi.

Chamuel radiated love and understanding, a kind of love that saw Vivi as perfectly whole and perfectly right, just the way she was. Through her angel's eyes, Vivi could now see herself that way. So beautiful and tender, like a child.

Chamuel wasn't really using words; it was more like the understanding arrived straight in Vivi's brain. Later on, though, she would recount their message this way. Beloved Vivi. I know how much you wanted this comfort. I want you to know it was never anywhere but right here and now. I'm part of the love that keeps your blood pumping, your lungs breathing. If you missed me, you just looked too hard.

"Oh," said Vivianne, a sadness filling her chest to think of her misunderstanding. Perhaps in another moment she'd feel ashamed; right now she felt only sweet, sad compassion for herself.

I want you to take this seriously, Vivi: Man does not live on the word of God alone.

"A quote," realised Vivi.

Yes. Write it down, and think about it later. You understand now, but you may need to remember this feeling later.

Vivi nodded, and held out her hand; a silver cup with Chamuel's words engraved around the lip materialised in it.

This is just a mirror, said Chamuel. There is nothing special about this place. Come here again if you want, but don't look for me here.

"Okay," mumbled Vivi. Suddenly, the light of the sun shone in through the window, flooding the room.

There was a noise. An incessant, repetitive noise. Ping, ping, ping, ping...

What is that? wondered Vivi. Finally, it came to her. Her phone. She took it out of her pocket. (It just happened to be in her pocket). On the screen were messages, ten, twenty, thirty, more and more...

Peter: "Vivi, I'm worried about you!"

Mom: "Say something, please"

Sis: "I can't fucking believe you!!"

Celine: "Babe, I'm trying my best to trust in you but it's been days..."

Celine: "Call me back."