Vivi

XXIII

Somehow, a week came and went. Had some sense of normality or domesticity descended upon the Palace? Shockwave spent some days almost entirely out of his cell with Vivi and Celine's blessing; other days he didn't bother to come out at all. Vivi trusted her instincts and didn't push Shockwave too much to talk about his feelings.

Vivi started spending an hour or so on the phone with Peter every night. As she had expected, it took a while for Peter to seem to understand or accept her choices, and she was glad of her decision not to talk with him in a very vulnerable state. But soon she was so thankful to have him there, a little lifeline to the world below.

One evening, Vivi, Celine and Shockwave were having dinner on the viewing deck. Chamuel had made sushi – fish for Celine and Shockwave, avocado and marinated tofu for Vivi.

"I don't get it, man," said Shockwave. "You made this food out of thin air. Why don't you want to eat the fish? It's not like it was ever really alive."

"I grew up vegan," said Vivi. "I never developed a taste for meat. I've tried, but it just feels weird."

"I'm vegan too, but I love the taste," said Celine. "So I'm taking this opportunity."

"You're not a vegan if you're eating this," scoffed Shockwave.

"Depends how you define it," said Celine peaceably.

Beneath them, a surreal green Aurora wreathed Antarctica. Everyone went silent and watched. Vivi's hand went to Celine's. A tear came to her eye.

Earth. My home.

Eventually, once dawn had broken and the Earth below lit up in daylight, the three of them came back to themselves. Shockwave picked at his last pieces of sushi.

"You want to play Abyss?" Vivi asked Shockwave.

"Yeah," said Shockwave, getting up.

Vivi raised her visor to give Celine a kiss – it was a little awkward – and led the way upstairs.

*

Vivi often felt as if video games were a pretty decent barometer of Shockwave's mental state. If Shockwave smiled a little and laughed once or twice, things were going well. This evening, though, he seemed agitated. An hour or so in, things came to a head.

"Put a town hall over by the river," said Vivi.

"Do it yourself," grunted Shockwave, punching video game zombies.

"No, I'm working on my mine," said Vivi.

"You think I don't have shit to do over here?"

"I'm just saying —"

"WHAT are you saying, Vivianne? WHAT?" Shockwave had put down his controller and was staring Vivi in the eyes.

Vivi gaped. Slowly she put down her controller and collected herself. "Shockwave, it seems like you're really angry about something," she said.

"What do you know about anything?!" demanded Shockwave.

Vivi did her best to stay centred. She found herself frowning in compassion, gazing quietly at Shockwave's livid face. To her surprise, Shockwave looked down.

"Nothing makes sense," he said. "Everything is all so wrong."

Vivi just stayed quietly attentive.

"Let me go, Vivianne," said Morpheus.

Vivi cocked her head slightly, and stayed attentive.

Shockwave's eyes bulged a bit. "Just kill me or let me go! Jesus fucking Christ, what do you think you can achieve here?!"

Vivi raised her eyebrows a little.

"I killed – I killed – I killed a whole class full of kids!"

Vivi frowned in compassion and nodded.

"Stop with that fake niceness bullshit!" yelled Shockwave. "Stop it! I know you hate me! Everyone hates me! And they should!"

Vivi frowned. He doesn't trust my compassion. She drew herself up to face Shockwave's full intensity. "You want me to stop with the bullshit!" she almost shouted, matching Shockwave's tone.

"Yeah!"

"You're sure I'm faking it and you want me to be straight with you!"

"Yeah!"

"You want me to be straight with you," Vivi said again, a little softer this time.

To Vivi's great surprise, Shockwave started crying. "I should die," he said. "I should die."

Vivi reached out for Shockwave, first touching his hand timidly, then hugging him with decisiveness. "Give me a second," she said, got up, and pulled her armour off as quickly as she could, tossing it on the floor without a thought to where it landed. She sat back down next to Shockwave, pulled his head into the crook of her shoulder and held him.

"Kill me, Vivianne," whispered Shockwave as he sobbed. "Kill me."

There came a moment where Vivi felt the inspiration to say some words. It felt much like her impulses to make art; sudden, clear and inexorable. "Shockwave," she said softly. "Thank you for trusting me to hold you."

"Mm," sounded Shockwave, still shaking from tears.

"Listen," said Vivi. "We've all done things we wish we hadn't. I've done things I really wish I hadn't. Everyone has. If things had been different, I could have been you. I could have done the things you did."

"But I'm a mass murderer!"

"You were angry, right? Really angry?"

Shockwave gaped for a long while. "Yeah," he said, almost whispering. "I was so angry."

"What happened?"

"I mean..." Shockwave shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe I'm telling you this."

Vivi nodded compassionately.

"It wasn't just any classroom, right? It was my classroom."

Vivi nodded.

"And... well. I was trying to stay in school. But the Brotherhood – my gang – was taking up more and more of my life. I thought it would be... cool. They were giving me training to bring my superpowers out.

"To start with, I just used my powers for beatboxing. I could make a bass beat no human should be able to make, right? It was awesome. But one night when I was on the street making beats with some friends, someone from the Brotherhood came to me, said they could help me bring out my potential.

"There was this guy – he had some power of his own, I guess – what he did, it hurt a bunch, but after each session I was stronger. I could break things with my voice. I knew I would make myself deaf if I wasn't careful, but they kept pushing me. Wanted me stronger and stronger.

"Things got really crazy, man. They started holding my family hostage. Told me I'd have to come live with them or they'd hurt my folks. One time I tried to defy them, they came and beat up my parents and smashed half the house.

"So I did. I mean... I went to live on the estate. And that's... that's when..." Shockwave swallowed. Then he looked away, his eyes dark, his burden incalculable.

You don't have to tell me everything now, Shockwave, thought Vivi.

It was almost as if Shockwave had heard Vivi's thought. "...Long story short," he said in a somewhat lighter tone, "I was feeling like absolute shit for all these different reasons. Then I'm in school and on top of everything else, I get beat on by some kids because they don't like that I'm a super. And I hold it all in, right? I knew I had to keep it a secret. As far as everyone's concerned, I was just a fancy beatboxer, right?

"And then I gotta go to class and I'm all bruised and I swear the teacher must have been possessed by Satan or some shit, because he's going on at me about how I didn't do my homework and how I'm lazy and will never amount to anything. And I think it was when he started talking about my parents that...

"Well, I like... I like went off, right? All I know is that everything went black and when I came to I was deaf and everything around me was like a piece of hell."