I can't remember the last time my smile was genuine.
I feel like you all hate me. Like I did something wrong. I feel so alone. I feel broken. I'm fucking tired. I keep making mistakes. I torture myself trying to find the right words to say but they come out twisted and full of hate. I don't want to burden you. Nobody deserves to be around me when I'm this way.
I can't set boundaries. I feel like I'm constantly used. I can't say no because I'm always afraid I'll lose you. You're my best friends. I'm supposed to be funny and smart. How am I supposed to do that when I'm fucking falling apart? Another failure. I'll add it to the list. If I was six feet under would I even be missed?
I lose everyone that I care about, so it wouldn't be much of a surprise. I run them off because I love too hard or I push them away. Even though it fucking kills me that they chose not to stay.
I'm a disappointment. My son will grow to hate me like everyone else. He will eventually see I'm not in good mental health.
I put on the mask and pretend another day. Why does nobody love me enough to see that it's fake? Does no one notice when I suddenly go silent and cold? Doesn't anybody hear me sobbing when I'm in my room alone?
I can't ask for anything. I already feel like a burden. I feel like even asking for a hug is too big of a chore. I just want someone to hold me so I don't feel this pain anymore.
Can anyone just silence the voices screaming in my fucking head? You're a failure. You're hideous. I wish I was dead.
I feel like I'm going to explode. Except it won't be my head that bursts. It will be my heart. Even though the thoughts are building up in my brain, my chest hurts the worst.
I cut myself today. I'm still not sure why. Now I feel stupid and I have something to hide. I'll keep it tucked away, out of sight. Just like the pain I fail to fight.
I can still feel the hands of my abusers. Choking me, hitting me, holding me down. Shower in boiling water and scrub myself clean. But the filth isn't on me. I'm sure it will go away if I drown.
If you made it this far... please disregard. I'm fine, I promise I'm okay. Isn't that what I'm supposed to say?
