Spilled Milk

Peace with it.

Am I who I believe I am? Kind, loving, and optimistic? Yes. Though, I am beginning to realize I am more than just that. Can't have yin without yang. I've absolved myself of believing that I can be negative. Riddled with a savior complex but void of the motivation to help myself. Filled with rage toward rude and judgmental people but terribly rude and judgmental myself only quieter. Not so quiet on bad days.

Over analyzing every tiny detail of every encounter I have had, that is happening, or will ever happen (or not). Feeling every emotion so deeply that it makes my insides hurt. I take myself way too seriously. I also don't take myself serious enough where it matters. I end up judging myself harshly as if I am the gaze of others, speaking to myself on their behalf.

I am overly critical of myself, thinking that something is always wrong with me. At the same time I am disgustingly conceited. I get excited when someone likes something about me or shows me favor, concern, or interest. It makes me giddy when my absence makes someone hurt. It makes me hot when someone seems jealous over me. At the same time...

I have this burning feeling in my chest that everywhere I am, I am too much or not enough. So much or so little so that I am repulsive to any and everyone. I've begun to isolated myself because alone, I won't be perceived. Being perceived hurts too much. When I am out in the open though, I overcompensate. I act out. I over sexualize, I overshare. I overreact. I believe this is my way of calling for attention. In such a way that someone will embrace me regardless. But is that really me? Or is my entire personality an over exaggerated persona?

I don't know, but I could go on and on for hours about the push and pull of who I am or am not. I'm too soft in areas. Too hard in others. Too quiet and too loud. It's all so exhausting and at the end of every obsession, relationship, or situation, I find that I neglected myself for the approval of others and that I am better off alone until I've found out what the actual fuck my problem is or at least come to peace with the fact that it is what it is and I just am the way I am.