Secrets Of My Past

Chapter 2 - Tragedies of the Past

Dear Diary,

29th June 2015

I can't even explain how torturous all of this has been.

It's been exactly an year since the wedding was called off. It wasn't my fault that Fahad was disloyal and had already married before! I was never upset over the fact that we weren't together anymore, I never shed a tear over 'losing' him - how could I lose him? he was never mine in the first place. What still hurts is the fact that everyone holds me responsible. What was my fault? They say I wasn't a good fiancée which forced him to marry. We had talked over the phone only a couple of times, and every time he would recite lists of promises - needless to say they were all forgotten.

He'd once joked about marrying someone else when I refused to meet me on any dates before the wedding. I often wonder whether this was a reason for him leaving me. I used to ask myself if I was in love with him but I always go 'No' for an answer. I used to feel guilty about this while we were engaged but now I feel glad that my answer was a no. I was so stupid to waste my entire teenage years thinking that love was something magical, something pure, something real. In reality it's nothing more than a lie that married people use to fool the world. Men are only loyal when they're a son, a brother or a father. Loyalty as a husband, as a fiancé or as a partner is just a lie!

In this whole past year I haven't seen Mama, Papa smiling whole-heartedly, their smiles have nothing but pity, fear and anxiousness for my future. Some guy has sent a proposal for me - my first proposal after Fahad. I don't think he knows about Fahad but I think I will tell him in the halal look. Tbh I don't even want to meet him but in a Pakistani society, a girl with a broken engagement is nothing more than her parent's burden. I wish I never had to marry but I have to do this for my family.

There's no such thing as love, as soul mates, as promises...All there is, is hurt, lies and pity.

- Aisha