TNT Short Fics

I can see it now

"I think I had given up on the idea of being a mother."

It comes in the quiet, unexpectedly. They tend to do that. Both of them find comfort in the dark after they have gone to bed to share the hard things. The scary secrets they don't share with anyone else.

For a moment he is confused as to why she's bringing this up tonight. But then realizes it is because Jason, Kylie, and the girls are here for Easter. And the sounds of three little girls playing and laughing and fighting have filled the house all weekend.

He reaches forward to tug on her shoulder, moving her to face him in their embrace. Even though it's dark in the room, he thinks she needs them to be face-to-face for whatever this conversation will be. He runs a hand down her back, waiting for her to continue.

"I was so sure when I was a teenager, you know? Sure I'd be a mom," she shares quietly. "And then, well in your early twenties that seems like a bad idea until much later doesn't it? But then I turned thirty and suddenly it didn't seem so scary or far away. I started to wonder. But..."

She trails off and is quiet again.

"Did you talk about it?"

He tries never to shy away from conversations about before him, about either of their pasts. He wants to know everything about her, even the hard parts. Wants her to know he wants to know the hard parts.

"We did. More when it was just an abstract thing to happen in the future. But then there was an open stretch of time before us in 2020 and I felt..." she stops and he feels her shrug. "Turns out I was the only one. Once it wasn't an abstract, he didn't."

"Tay, I'm sorry."

She pulls him closer, grounding herself with his presence as she keeps going.

"If I thought it was that he wasn't ready, I would have understood. But it was more than that. It was kind of the first sign of all that would go wrong. He started questioning why we'd even want kids in all this."

She gestures around in the way she does to mean her or more specifically all the things around her that make up "Taylor Swift."

"That's not," he stops and checks his tone. He usually tries to not get pissed off about things that come out from her last relationship. It doesn't help things. But this, this he can't.

"You shouldn't have to sacrifice a family," he says. "There are plenty of ways."

"I know," she continues. "Well, I do now. I was just caught up in my life. I think when things change slowly. When someone pushes you to change little by little—sometimes you don't even realize it. And then suddenly what you see for the future is completely different."

"You gave it up." It isn't a question.

"I thought I wanted the life I had," she replies, shaking her head. "I convinced myself it was fine. Better to not even want that."

It breaks his heart to hear her say that. Especially when he thinks of earlier today. They had hidden Easter eggs throughout the yard. Continuing the Swift family tradition she'd excitedly announced as she told him the best places to hide them. He and Jason ran around with Wy and Ellie while Kylie laughed and took photos. When the girls had grown tired of egg hunting, he'd gone looking for Taylor. Finding her holding on to Benny's little hand as she toddled around pointing out birds to Taylor rather than eggs.

Once they did find an egg, the baby plopped down on the ground to clap as Taylor cheered for her. The sight of the two of them had clutched at something in his heart. And when he had looked away, Jason had been there with a knowing look that made him blush and look back to Taylor and Benny.

Her smile when she saw him looking at them was so bright and open. He cannot imagine not giving her the world with that smile. Cannot imagine keeping that from her.

"You do want that?" he asks but knows it's true.

"I do," she affirms.

"Tay, you can have that. You will have that," he emphasizes. "I want you to have everything. You deserve to be a mom."

"What about you?" she asks.

She is already aware he wants to be a dad. Yet he understands she needs to hear him say it. Just like when they first started dating, she needs him to be clear.

"I want that too. I want that with you. So much, sweetie. Can't wait for it even."

"Yeah?" she asks. And it tugs at something inside of him that she still says it with a touch of disbelief.

"Hell yeah," he enthuses. "You're going to be the best mom."

"You're made to be a dad. I almost...I haven't let myself think about it. But I know you will."

"You should let yourself think about it. We can talk about it. It may not be happening tomorrow, but we can talk about it. Dream about it. You know how I like big dreams."

She lets out a long, shaky breath. As if she is letting go of something. All the hurt that has weighed on this for her. He rubs her back again to encourage her to say what she wants to say.

"The girls today," she stops and breaths out again before continuing. "I loved seeing them run around. I want us to have that. Easter egg hunts and Christmas stockings and our kids surrounded by family."

In the light from the window, he sees a tear drip down her cheek. He traces it with his thumb.

"I love that," he says softly. "Our family was just us when we were little. I can't wait for ours to have all this family. Not just Jason and Ky and the girls, but Blake and Ryan and Ross and everyone who loves us."

"Maybe Austin will get his shit together," she jokes.

"Maybe, or maybe I'll pass on the mantle of fun uncle when I retire from it." he points out.

She laughs and god, he loves her laugh. He hopes their kids have her laugh.

"It will be hard," she says.

She isn't talking about the normal hard parts of parenthood. He knows she means all the difficult things that come along with the gifts she's been given. All the downsides to fame.

"It will," he agrees. He doesn't want to downplay this. Doesn't want her to think he doesn't see the reality of their life.

"I think we have to just trust ourselves in this, Tay. We figured out the balance with you and I didn't we?"

She nods.

"Then we do the same with this. And we talk about it. Plan for it. Some of it we won't be able to plan but we'll do our best. Think that is all anyone does."

"You and I make a pretty good team at working it out," she states.

"We do," he agrees.

She snuggles close, head on his chest. Arm tucked under his side the way she always does when they fall asleep.

"You know how you make French toast on Sundays when I have a home game?" he asks.

"Mmhm," she says with sleepy amusement at what seems to be an abrupt change in subject.

"Sometimes, I think about when football is over for me and we'll just have Sundays to ourselves. I still see that. Like, you and me and we're in the kitchen with a kid underfoot, still having French toast Sundays."

"I love the idea of that," she says, squeezing his side.

"Close your eyes," he murmurs, kissing her hair. "Can you see it?"

"Yeah, Trav. I can see it."