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CW: Sexual tension, mutual masturbation, shotguns, dog attacks.
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BUCKY
"I'm not always a gentleman."
The words just slipped out. They felt as normal as putting on a jacket or waking up in the morning— and what's worse is that I relished the blush in her cheeks when I let them slip out.
I know I'm fragmented. Pieces of multiple puzzles, none of which fit together the way they should. The man I was comes back in flashes of lightning and fragmented memories. Like shattered glass.
I remember women underneath me. Mouths clashing. The sound of moans.
I don't know whose.
I was younger then, and wore different clothes. Slacks and fancy shoes. I remember that.
But I still don't know who I am.
A flash of memory crashes against me like a tidal wave.
The feeling of bone crunching. Blood spurting.
Him backing up, dropping his shield.
"You know me."
"No, I don't!"
I hit him. I hit him as hard as I fucking could. They told me to kill him. It's what I wanted to do. My body craved violence. But the whole time, there was a voice in the back of my head screaming at me not to do it. It told me I cared about him.
That I loved him.
But I couldn't remember.
"Your name is James Buchanan Barnes—"
"Shut up!"
I still can't remember him. I just had this feeling of recognition— like deja vu. It was his eyes. I knew those eyes and the way that they made me feel.
Like I was home.
"You're. My. Mission!"
"Then finish it. 'Cause I'm with you till the end of the line."
I stare out the window, my hand over my mouth as my eyes fill up with tears. Gus whines, nudging my shoulder as I blink back the urge to burst into deep, heaving sobs. I know that phrase. It flipped a switch in me and set this whole thing in motion. For the first time, I felt like a fucking human being again. It was like I'd been thrust back into the driver's seat and whatever HYDRA did to me wasn't in control.
But it only lasted a few heartbeats.
It's why I pulled him from the river. He was a piece of my past, and if I have to go back to him to remember the man I used to be, then so fucking be it.
