Let's get this straight right now.
I am not happy.
I'm not even okay.
I'm beating myself up over stupid things.
It hurts so much emotionally that I'm almost feeling physical pain.
I know this is short, but this is tearing myself apart rather than forgetting about it.
I want to forget about everything.
I want to be normal.
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I'm back.
Maybe it was the reading that did it.
Maybe it was listening to Taylor
Swift.
Whatever it was, I've stopped beating myself up over it.
I really don't know what to write.
I kind of want to lose the attention. I've had random strangers recognize me. I hade a former teacher come in, give me a newspaper and a handshake, and tell me he was honored to meet me. I've made the front page over and over.
I hate it.
People expect a lot out of me. I don't have a lot to give. I'm not perfect. I'm not even close to perfect. I mean, look at me. My body is marked with scabs, scars, and bruises. I have zits all over my face. My eyes are an average color of blue, and my hair is thin and sticks up and is this ugly blond-brown color.
And that's just my physical flaws.
I make stupid mistakes. I beat myself up over said mistakes. I can't fall asleep unless I have my dog to cuddle up to. I chew on writing utensils. I can be selfish, mean, way too honest, annoying, pushy, and suffocating. I eat too much, so I'm fat and not at all athletic.
When I get attention, people notice my flaws.
I want to be normal.
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I just tried to reach out to my only friend from Nationals. She has neat handwriting,but I'm still having issues with it. However, I have emailed random strangers, so if I messed up, no big deal.
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No matter how mad I get at my family, I always get over it. Sometimes I think I'm too forgiving.
My mom gets mad at me a lot, whether it's for being too loud, forgetting to do something or making stupid mistakes. Being defensive as I am when I am verbally assaulted, I have a tendency to
verbally fight back. These fights usually end up with me laying on the floor of my room, sobbing. For god knows what reason, no matter how venomous her words toward me are, I always end up forgiving her.
My dad is a lot nicer. He only really yells when Mom is mad. Sometimes I think he does it just to keep her happy. I don't blame him; Mom's bad side sucks a lot. When Mom isn't mad or around, Dad is nice. There have been times where I was supposed to be confined to my room, but Mom left and Dad told me I could stay downstairs until Mom returned. Sometimes, when I have to do the dishes, Dad washes them, so I just end up drying them. I don't really get mad at Dad.
Connor tends to be a screw-up. I don't know why, because he's really smart. Maybe Connor just doesn't like the high expectations. Connor and I have basic rules: if Mom is shouting, run; if mom is going on Skyward and there is a bad grade, run; if Mom won't buy soda, drink hers for the caffeine; play on electronics at night because that's when Mom won't know. Connor is really a good brother; he's just annoying at times and tends to have a temper. If he really hated me, he wouldn't constantly be begging for me to play either Risk, Monopoly, or Mario Kart. [I just realized how weird of a word monopoly is- mono means one and poly means many.] When Connor gets mad, he has a tendency to chase me around with either a yardstick or a metal pipe. He's my brother, though.
If everything is going bad between all of my family, at least the pets like me.
We got Sara when she was a little kitten; she would have died if she spent the winter at Kayla's house, so when Kayla said we could have her, Mom said yes. This was before Tweedle Dum died [heart attack on the way to the vets] but after Tweedle Dee died. Seeing as how Sara'd gotten used to having a playmate, she was lonely when Tweedle Dum died, so Mom went looking for another cat.
At the time, Kayla had a group of adorable kittens. Stripes was among them. When she found out that we were looking for a cat, she offered him to us. He was a cute, roly-poly little kitten, so we couldn't deny him a place.
Kayla ran out of kitten names after a while, so she asked me to help name three of Joy's kittens. The first one I met was a dusty grey color; in the dim light of the area, I couldn't easily see her white paws and stomach. I called her Dusty. The second kitten looked a lot like Stripes, except for some reason, he reminded me of a pirate. We decided on Stripes. The third kitten was a fluffy little calico; I named her Lizzy.
Every time I'd visit Kayla's house, I'd play with Dusty. I fell in love with the cute little kitten who toddled out of the milk can she was raised in every time I came over. I was soon begging Mom to let me have Dusty. It took a lot of work (literally, I took on the task of caring for the other cats), but eventually Mom caved.
Nugget was entirely Dad's idea.
He asked the family if we wanted a puppy; someone he knew had one they couldn't keep. We all agreed; Speck, however loyal, was an elderly and sickly dog by this point, and her demise, however heartbreaking, was inevitable. Dad went to fetch Nugget during a (snow?)storm. He brought Nugget home that night.
Now Sara is an indoor/outdoor cat. She loves going out by the pond in pursuit of whatever unfortunate animal happens to catch her eye. She's this gorgeous tortoiseshell(?) with a face that's half orange and half black. She loves people, but she can't stand being picked up by anybody but Connor. Sometimes, when she's outside, she follows me around like a loyal dog.
Stripes doesn't like me the most. He's a somewhat scrawny short-haired cat. I think he's gained some weight, but he's not altogether chubby. He doesn't like strangers. He hides around them. His fur is tabby-striped grey in patches. The rest of him is white, except for this cute light brown freckle on his nose. Stripes hates the outdoors more than he hates strangers.
Dusty is a cute calico. Her fur is grey and orange except for her white stomach and paws. She's somewhat pudgy, but we can't let her outside or she'll climb trees and not be able to get down. She loves sleeping and cuddling. I think of her as my little princess. She often comes up to my room to give me company, especially when I really need it. I show her at the fair and the fun cat show. She's fine because she cuddles when she's scared. She's won me two trophies; 1st and 2nd place for long-haired cats at the fun cat show.
Nugget is huge. He hogs my bed at night. He's faithful, protective, and loving. He's a hybrid of golden retriever and yellow lab, so he has this gorgeous golden fur. When I get into fights (not real fights, just fake wrestling matches and stuff) with Mom, Nugget takes my side. He's playful, and he barks a lot.
Like I said, I really do have great pets.
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I think I'm being really optimistic about spelling. I mean, I want to win, but come on. I should spend my time studying rather than obsessing over past winners.
But statistics don't lie.
Ansun Sujoe, co-champion, missed Semis by one point in 2013.
Anurag Kashyap, champion of the 2005 Scripps National Spelling Bee, placed forty-seventh (like me) in 2004.
And by the way, it's possible to study the dictionary.
David Tidmarsh, 2004 co champion, did it.
