This Little Light of Mine

3: 𝐈𝐭 𝐇𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐌𝐲 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭, 𝐓𝗼 𝐒𝐞𝐞 𝐘𝗼𝐮 𝐂𝐫𝐲

DIPG. Incurable. Cancer. Shock. Fear. Heartbreak. All of those words and the thoughts that came with them were flowing through both Lucy and Tim's heads. This wasn't what they had planned. How did this happen? Why did it have to be their baby? Why did this happen to them? Why was their sweet, precious, baby girl going to die?

Heartbroken. Scared. That is exactly how the two of them felt. They were heartbroken that their daughter was going to die at such a young age. Heartbroken that she wouldn't do things every little girl dreamed of doing. They were scared. They were scared of losing her. They were scared that the radiation or any clinical trials wouldn't work. What would they tell Bennett? They couldn't outright tell her she was sick and going to die, they didn't want to scare her more than they had to, for now, that is.

The following few days after Bennett's diagnosis were filled with sadness, decisions, and discussions. Tim and Lucy had decided to treat the tumor with radiation first, and the next step was informing everyone at work, and to fill out the paperwork to take time off, to spend time with Bennett. Every minute of every day would count, and they knew they wanted to be with her as much as they possibly could.

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Tim and Lucy entered the station three days following Bennett's diagnosis, while Bennett hung out at home with Tamara. Those days before had been their typical off days, so this was their first day of the work week for them. They headed straight to Grey's office, before Tim knocked on the door, and the two were sent into the office.

"Lucy, Tim, good to see you", he told the couple. "Sir, we need to have a talk with you," Tim said. "Anything. What's going on?" Grey asked the two. Tim drew in a breath, while Lucy tried to hold herself together. "We took Bennett to the doctor the other day, since she's been having a few issues recently. They ran every test in the book and sent us for an MRI, which told us she has a brain tumor. It's inoperable, and the only thing we can do is treat it and try to buy more time with her. So, we need to fill out the paperwork to take leave. We've both got a ton of PTO built up, and time off as it is, so we'll do the paperwork, but we need to spend all the time we can with her", Tim told the Watch Commander. Both of them could see Grey's heart practically dropped, he knew how much Bennett meant to her parents, and honestly, she meant the world to everyone at the station. "Don't worry about the paperwork. I'll handle that for you two. Go get your baby and spend all the time you can with her. I'll talk to the team and let them know what's going on, if you need." Both Lucy and Tim nodded, "That would be great, Sir", Lucy said, still somehow managing to hold herself together. "And, before you go, just know that we are here for you, and that all three of you will be in our thoughts and prayers. Oh, and don't stress about cooking, you know everyone here will be glad to fill your freezer for you, to take some of the load off," he told the two of them, both managing to cock a small smile. "You know you guys don't need to do that," Tim told him, as Grey shook his head. "We know we don't have to, but everyone will want to."

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Tim and Lucy left the station soon after their conversation. They headed to the store to pick up a couple of things for Bennett, to keep her happy, and to prepare for radiation treatments, which would begin relatively soon.

At the station, everyone Tim and Lucy worked with were informed of what was going on. They were told about Bennett's diagnosis and prognosis as well, and what they could do to help out. Everyone was shocked and saddened by the news of Bennett's tumor, and the fact that little could be done to formally save the young girl.

Once they arrived home, they found Bennett and Tamara on the couch, one of Bennett's favorite movies playing, as the small child slept, leaned against her "big sister". Tamara wasn't related to them, but Bennett saw her as a sister, since she still lived there, for the time being, and always would hang around with Bennett. Tim and Lucy both smiled, seeing the two laid up on the couch, Kojo on the couch beside Tamara, and Max laid on Bennett's leg.. Tim quietly asked Tamara, "How was she? Did she do okay?" Tamara gave him a nod, "She was good. Her balance is still bad, she fell over a couple more times today than she did the last time, and she was squinting at the tv a lot," she told the parents. "At least she's not doing too bad, hopefully when the radiation starts, it'll help her out a little bit," he said.

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After Bennett woke from her little nap, she happily greeted her parents, as she slid down to the floor to play with Max. Tim and Lucy watched as their daughter played with the dogs, knowing that one day, she won't have the ability to play with them.

While she played, the rest of the family worked on dinner. Well, they worked on ordering dinner. No one felt like cooking, and sometimes, ordering takeout was the best option. Of course, they let Bennett choose what they ordered, and she chose tacos. The four, almost five year old, loved tacos. It was one of her favorite foods, and you can bet that her parents agreed on it for dinner that night. Anything for their girl.

Dinner arrived, and the family ate. They talked about happy things, and anything truthfully positive. While they were being tasked with overcoming one of the most devastating things a parent could ever be told, they were going to do it, for Bennett. Bennett was aware she wasn't feeling well, and had some problems, but she didn't know to what extent. And Tim and Lucy were prepared to keep it that way for as long as they possibly could.

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After dinner was finished and cleaned up, Lucy gave Bennett her bath, giving the girl a bit of extra time to play in the bathtub with her toys and the bubbles. It always was a source of enjoyment for Bennett, and right then, seeing her smile and hearing her giggle was the best thing Lucy could ask for.

Once her bath was over, Bennett got ready for bed, and both parents tucked her in, just as they had done every night since her diagnosis. Once Bennett's bedtime routine was finished, Tim and Lucy retreated to their own bedroom.

Tim went and took a short shower after Lucy did, and got himself dressed for bed. When he emerged from the bathroom, he saw Lucy seated on the bed, scrolling through photos on her phone, crying. He immediately walked over to her and sat beside her, placing his hand gently on her back. "What're you doing? Are you okay?" He asked her. Lucy slightly nodded her head, "I'm as okay as I could be. I just started looking through Bennett's pictures I have on my phone" She told Tim. "We'll get through this, okay? It'll be tough, but we can do this, okay?" He reminded her, as she nodded.

The anticipatory grief had begun. They knew their daughter was eventually going to die because of the DIPG. They didn't know when, but they hoped they had more time with her than the neurosurgeon had initially told them. So, they spent the rest of their night reminiscing on the good days, before falling asleep. They were going to continue to make as many memories with Bennett as they could, and first up, was her official fifth birthday.