"What?" Colin asked Penelope, who he could tell was holding back from saying something more.
"Nothing," she insisted, piping the last of the cake mix into the tins.
They were supposed to be doing it together. He and Penelope always baked together. But lately, it was like she was avoiding him. When she said that she would make the cupcakes while he could relax, Colin knew he should be worried. He watched Penelope scrambling about the kitchen, giving him short answers and noncommittal nods in response to his poor attempts at conversation. Finally, he'd had enough. He knew exactly what her mood was about. It was exactly the same way his family acted when he informed them of his plans.
"Just say whatever you have to say, Penelope. Everyone else has certainly given me their opinions on marrying Marina. What's yours?"
He knew Penelope, and he knew better that she was nothing if not honest. Marina was her cousin, but he was her best friend. Surely she had something to say about his engagement.
Penelope slid the two filled pans onto the sheet racks and closed the oven, setting the timer. She sighed, bracing herself on the counter before turning to him. "I think Marina was dealt a rough hand in life. After losing George and then the miscarriage, she wasn't the same. I think that maybe she doesn't really love you, and she's just trying to fill the hole that they left."
Colin reeled back, and the words slipped from his mouth too quickly as he tried to defend himself. "Fuck you," he spat.
This time, Penelope looked shocked. Deep down, he knew he should never have said that to her. She didn't deserve it. But he was just so angry.
"What? Colin-" She said, reaching for him before he pulled away.
All of his insecurities came to the surface in a fit of rage. It was just unfortunate that it was aimed at Penelope, a girl who had been nothing but sweet and loyal and good to him all his life. But he was angry. Angry at his family, at himself, at the world. But not at Penelope. Never at her.
"How could you say that to me, Pen? I just fucking proposed to her and you're going to say that to me now?! Why can't you just be happy for us?!"
Her face was neutral, but he could tell she was fighting against her emotions. She bit her lip in the way she always did when she was nervous, then let out a breath. "I am happy for you, Colin. If this is really what you want, then I'm happy for you. But don't delude yourself into thinking that she's not using you."
Penelope spoke pityingly, as if he didn't even know his own mind. As if she knew it better than him. Then he uttered the words that sparked a turn of events he couldn't take back.
"Oh my God, you're jealous," he scoffed.
Penelope stumbled away from him, her mouth falling open in shock. "Excuse me?"
"You're jealous!" He exclaimed, doubling his efforts in becoming the biggest ass in the universe. "I always knew that you had a bit of a crush on me, but damn Pen, you'd think you'd get the hint by now. I'm getting married to Marina, and I don't give a shit what any of you think."
"Wow," Penelope whispered, silent tears finally falling down her cheeks. She wiped them away quickly, her face hardening. "Fuck you, Colin."
He knew he fucked up. He knew he was saying all the wrong things. He knew he had hurt her. And yet, he couldn't speak fast enough to fix it.
"Pen-" He began, reaching out to her this time.
She shot him a glare that told him to stay away, then tore off the apron she was wearing and threw it on the kitchen table. "You're wrong," she said, her voice like steel. She met his gaze, her eyes glazed over with something he could hardly recognize. He'd only known Penelope to ever look at him as if he were a knight in shining armor. A hero. Not this. Never this. "It wasn't just a crush," she continued. "I loved you. I told you I was in love with you, and for you to throw that in my face after all this time is really shitty of you."
Wait, what? What did she-when did? "You love me? You told me-"
Penelope laughed coldly to herself, moving slowly about the kitchen as she cleaned up her mess. "Of course you don't remember. Of course." She set the cleaned spatula on the drying rack and turned to face him. "The night of me and El's grad party. We were drinking and dancing and for a split second, I thought you might feel the same. So I told you I loved you." A look of recognition crossed his features. He did remember it. Bits and pieces at least. They were so drunk, he thought he might have dreamt some of it. "But then you met Marina that same night, and it was like I didn't even exist anymore," she explained sadly.
"Pen, I-"
"No, Colin," she said, cutting him off again. The anger was gone, but a cold indifference remained. "I have supported you, I have supported your relationships, your travels, your writing. I've listened to you talk about your hopes and dreams and insecurities and all I expected in return was your kindness. Well, hint taken. I'm done waiting for you. I truly hope that you and Marina find whatever you're looking for." Just as she was about to leave, the oven went off, signaling that the cupcakes were done. She grabbed an oven mitt and set the pans of the counter with an echoing thud. He stood, breathless and unsure of what to say or do to salvage the situation. "Enjoy your cupcakes, Colin," she said before finally walking out to the door.
"Pen, stop!" He called after her, just a beat too late. She was already in her car, halfway out the driveway when he made it to the door.
He felt a firm hand on his shoulder, then glanced to find his oldest brother Anthony standing behind him. "Let her go, Colin."
Colin shook his head, refusing any option that meant losing Penelope. God, when had she become so important to him? He needed her. She was everything to him. "I can't, I have to-"
"Now," Anthony said in a tone that beared no argument. In seconds that Colin could not even recall, he was dragged into his brother's study and plopped into a sofa chair across from Anthony and Benedict.
They were silent for a moment, letting him sit with his thoughts before Benedict blurted, "What the hell is the matter with you, Colin?! That was Penelope Featherington that you were just talking to like that!"
"I know," he replied, throwing his face in his hands.
"Then what gives you the right to treat her in such a way?" Anthony asked.
"If Eloise had seen what you just did, she'd have strung you to the nearest tree and burned you like the Salem Witch Trials. I'm not sure I'd have stopped her," Benedict snorted, taking a swig from his favorite flask.
Anthony let out a deep, conflicted sigh. "Penelope is like family, and while we love you, Colin, we're not going to stand by and watch you hurt her anymore."
"She loves me," Colin mumbled, barely registering what they were saying. Penelope loved him. Him. Why? Any man would be lucky to be on the receiving end of her love. Why waste it on a fuck up like him?
"Used to at least," Benedict mused. "Pretty sure you just killed the last bits of affection that girl had for you."
Colin stood, panicking again at the thought of losing her. Penelope loved him once. That meant she must still have some sort of feelings left for him, right? "I have to fix this. I can't lose her."
Anthony shoved him back into his seat harshly. "We will fix this. You will go find Marina and start planning for your wedding."
"Marina. Wedding," he mumbled, his mind racing as he attempted to get from point A to point B. A, Marina. B, Penelope.
"Yes, Colin, now snap out of it," Benedict said slowly, snapping his fingers in his face.
"I can't marry her," Colin said, determined. How could he possibly marry Marina after everything?
"No shit."
"Ben! Not helpful," Anthony scolded.
Colin rose to his feet again and began pacing. "I think Penelope was right. Marina doesn't love me. And I don't...I don't know if I love her either." Turns out, he might love Penelope. What a fucking mess.
"You couldn't have realized that before you made Penelope hate you?" Benedict asked as if reading his thoughts.
Colin stopped his pacing. "Does she?"
His brother rolled his eyes. "Well, you just accused her of being jealous and told her to fuck off. Yeah, I'd say that could constitue hatred."
"God, I fucked up. What do I do?"
Anthony crossed to him, grabbing his neck and making him meet his gaze in a way that was only mildly comforting. "First, you need to break things off with Marina. It won't do either of you any good to drag this out. Then you need to make this right with Penelope. Apologize to her. Admit you were an ass and beg for forgiveness."
"What if she doesn't forgive me?"
"She will. You're Colin and Penelope. You'll be fine," Benedict said confidently. "You should travel again," he added. "Figure out who you are, what you want. Whenever you're ready to come back, we'll be here. And so will she."
----------
Getting Penelope to forgive him was no easy thing. It took countless heartfelt apologies, daily visits to her apartment in which he refused to leave unless she talked to him, and a dozen bouquets of flowers that made her kitchen counter look like the inside of Eloise's girlfriend's greenhouse.
Finally, weeks later, his most favorite sister Eloise invited him over for a movie night, only to bail at the last second, leaving him and Penelope all alone. Penelope was clearly not happy about it and tried to lock herself in her bedroom, but somehow, Colin convinced her by suggesting Sense and Sensibility, which he knew was one of her favorites.
They made it through the entire movie in complete silence, all the way until they reached Edward's profession of love. Colin was always a little weirded out by Elinor's breakdown during the scene, but Penelope once explained to him that Elinor had been bottling these feelings during their entire friendship, and now that she had a chance to express them, she simply couldn't stop. Colin still hadn't understood at the time, but after their fight, he realized that Penelope likely felt that way at one point.
He wanted to love someone like that. To the point of overwhelming madness and consumption. He thought he found it with Marina. As he glanced at Penelope, a silent tear slipped down her cheek before she quickly wiped it away. He knew then how wrong he was. Penelope. It was always going to be Penelope. He was a fucking idiot.
"Pen, I'm sorry," he whispered, and he wasn't sure she heard him until she turned her head.
Her eyes still glistened in the light of the TV screen and her brows furrowed. "Really? I hadn't got that from the million apologies and decaying flowers in my kitchen," she deadpanned, gesturing behind them. Colin chuckled nervously. Maybe he had been laying it on a bit thick. "Look, Col, we both said some shitty things that we didn't mean. I can't hold it against you that you never felt the same. As your friend, I should have just been happy for you. I am happy for you. You and Marina deserve a great marriage together."
"Pen, I called off the engagement."
Penelope gasped, grabbing the remote and shutting off the movie. "What? Why?" She asked, turning fully to face him.
He shrugged. "You were right. She doesn't love me, and I don't love her."
"Oh," she said sadly. "Colin-"
He waved her away. He didn't need her pity. God, he just needed her. But right now, that felt so far away. Impossible even. "No, it's okay. It's good. I talked to my brothers after our fight, and they helped me see some things that I didn't before."
She looked away and became quiet. "Like?"
He couldn't tell her yet. While he knew he loved her, they weren't ready yet. He wasn't ready yet. "Just some things about myself that I need to explore. I need to figure out what I want."
"You're going to travel again, aren't you?" She whispered.
"You know me so well."
Without warning, Penelope crawled into his lap and threw her arms around him. Instinctively, Colin pulled her tighter against him, relishing in her warmth and the smell of her perfume. "I'll be here when you come home," she said, burying her face further in his neck.
He didn't know how he'd find the strength to leave, but to know what he had waiting for him when he got back was enough.
