" That's not fair and you know it," He gritted, " You're not the only one who blames themselves for his death."
" He's dead because of me, Exodus!" I yelled before I could even stop myself, " It should've been me laying in the fucking casket, not...
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Now Playing... Grain, by Vraell ... MONTREAL, CANADA
PISSED OFF WASN'T EVEN THE FUCKING WORD. I was beyond livid to see Selah in that fucking dress, but I was even more pissed off when I knew I couldn't do a damn thing about it. She was right, we weren't together, but I wanted us to be.
The night that I first saw her after so many years, I was consumed with resentment. I was angry that after so many years of looking for her, she was here all along. she never reached out to me, she never got in contact with me, none of that. It broke my heart that she left Compton, and I found myself trying to replace that void of losing her with women who could care less about my heart and only about my money.
The honest truth is this: I'm afraid. Afraid that if I'm with her and pour out my heart into her soul, she'll leave me; a pattern that I've noticed throughout our timeline. I'm even more terrified to know that at some point, she'll lose interest and run away. I don't want to be alone.
I don't know what's going on in my head. I don't know why I'm being tugged in two different ways when I know for a fact that she's always been the one for me. And these past few days have made me realize just how much unresolved issues I have within myself. I've been focused so much on pushing her away that I'm blinded to my own fucking problems.
" God..." I trail off, staring up at the night sky. " I don't know what to do,"
Mateo and Jonathan were inside on their phones, stalking Nneka and Medjine's instagram pages while I stood outside in the cool fresh air, where the constellations are silenced by the moon's vibrant energy.
I look down at my hands, sighing deeply. " I've been trying so hard to do things my way when I should be letting you take control,"
" I'm not perfect, and I recognize that everything that has happened from this point on has been a fault on my part. I confess to you my sins: my jealousy, my anger, my hatred, my bitterness... all of it has just been building up inside of me to the point of no return." I admitted, my hands resting against the railings of the patio.
I sigh, running my hands over my face. " All I've been doing is just pushing her away, Father. That's all I ever do when things get tough for me,"
" And after Joey died it's like I carry so much baggage that it suffocates me. I carry the baggage of regret, knowing that if I was there before he was shot, he would still be alive today. he would still be here, smiling and laughing like he usually does. We'd be playing basketball till the street lights came on, and we'd talk for hours about how we gonna make it out the hood, all of it."
" And knowing that anything could have happened to Selah I-" I inhaled sharply, swallowing the lump building inside my throat. I blew out a breath, squeezing my eyes shut as the tears threaten to fall. " I-I'm sorry,"
