Blood in the Water

My Life is Ruined

   It was loud. The beeping of machines, people talking, and items rustling filled the air. I opened my eyes and saw Connor sitting right next to me. Across the room, Jackson was holding Lydia in a small chair; she was asleep in his arms. Drew and Lucas were seated on the couch to my left.

Connor stood up and told everyone, "She's awake."

      Everyone started cheering and crying happy tears. Jackson shook Lydia awake and when she realized I survived, she started weeping in his arms. The whole feeling of the room was eerie and depressing. This can't be real. I was supposed to go. I wish I had gone, I don't want to live this new life. Why?

     I sat up the tiniest bit, still drowsy. I could tell everyone was waiting for my reaction. I took a long deep breath making eye contact with Lydia. I started feeling down my right leg. My fingers went down the stub. They fell onto the bed about nine inches from my waist. I felt the tears forming but I knew I had to stay strong for all of the eyes on me, so I let out a shaky breath instead. I knew I was going to have to see it at one point, so I lifted the thin blanket. My gown was covering it so I lifted it as well. There was a big white bandage around the whole stub. Even though I couldn't see it my heart sank. I never expected to see my leg just gone. I kept looking from my full left leg to the stub. My eyes were darting back and forth. Please no. This is disgusting. I felt sick just looking at it. I pulled my hospital gown back over it and that's when I felt how wide my eyes were open. I rested them again.

     I looked up at the ceiling trying to restrain tears.

Connor just said, "Alyssa."
I looked back down and asked, "Am I dreaming?"

      He looked at me with sad eyes. I will never forget that look.

"No Alyssa, I'm sorry, this is real."

     He grabbed my hand with both of his. I let one tear go down my face, wiping it away with my other hand. I forgot everyone was still staring. Lydia got up and started walking over to me, still crying. I scooted over a little bit, letting go of Connor's hand. I patted the other side of the bed for her to lie down. She sat down and I hugged her.

"Everything's alright now, I survived, it's over."

      Her tears slowly stopped. I didn't realize how tired I was so at some point I just drifted off on accident. The blood loss made me so weak.

     When I woke up again, it was just Connor and Drew in the room because everyone else was getting dinner. I tried to sit up, but I got too dizzy.

"I'm so dizzy," I said.
"Should I get a nurse?" Drew asked.
"No, I'm just going to lie down. Can you lay with me, Connor?" I asked.
"Of course sweetheart," he replied.

       I pulled Connor onto the bed next to me. He laid down on his back so that I could lay on his chest. He put his arm around me, kissing my head. I closed my eyes and drifted off again. The second I fell asleep, a nightmare started. I was in red water with a shark looking at me. I screamed,  jolting awake and scaring everyone who was now in the room.

"Shhh. Shhhh. Alyssa you're ok, you're ok," said Connor.

      I was shaking and gasping for air. The moms were in the room and so was a doctor, I assumed he was my surgeon. Connor stroked my arm to calm me down and I slowly but surely felt more relaxed.  The doctor started talking,

"Alyssa you lost over 50% of your blood so this will be a long recovery. We were able to fix up the remainder of your leg. How do you feel?"
"Not great," I responded.

     He explained to me that phantom pains would be an ongoing problem during my recovery. Phantom pain is the feeling of a nonexistent limb still being there and it is quite painful. It's like a pinching all over. That made me nervous and I think Connor was too because he gripped me tighter.