Blood in the Water

The Winter Veil

I stared out my window at the glistening snow covering the grass. The air was heavy and quiet. The festive lights across the street seemed to taunt me, highlighting my isolation in the darkness. After Christmas, I lost all hope. I yearned for things to turn around, but they didn't. This wheelchair constantly reminded me of my vulnerability. The scent of pine still lingered in the air from the holiday season. I was waiting for New Year's to arrive, but it couldn't come soon enough.

I sat at this window for days on end, watching the kids across the street build snowmen and run around. I hadn't felt that joy in a really long time, it was almost foreign. I watched a little girl sled down the hill in her front yard, but Connor caught my eye. He was sprinting up the hill. He must have run six miles by now. It had been a little over an hour since he left. Usually, around this time I put on a brave face and act fine, but today is different. I've hit rock bottom.

I heard the door creak. His loud shoes echoed down the hallway. I didn't even turn my head when he entered the room. I could feel him staring into the back of my head. I heard him take a deep breath. He always knows when something is wrong.

"Alyssa, he said softly, moving closer.

I turned away from the window and already had tears forming. They pooled in my eyes.

"I'm tired of fighting," I admitted, my voice was trembling.
"Every day is another battle and it's too exhausting. I don't know how much longer I can do it Connor," I continued.

He knelt beside me and rested his veiny hand on my thigh.

"You are a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. I know you got this. I know it's hard, baby, but you can do it. I love you. Don't give up on me, sweetheart."

     Those words created a blanket of warmth, I just couldn't shake the overwhelming fear. I had things I wanted to do and places I wanted to go and those might not be possible anymore. My world shattered like glass. My old dreams were taunting me within.

"This place makes me feel so trapped. I'm on Christmas Break for god's sake. This is my favorite time of the year. Why am I not happy?"
"What if I can never walk again because the prosthetic doesn't work out? What if I never get back in the water or step onto the sand again? I'll never be able to cheer again.

      Connor gripped my hand tighter.

"The prosthetic will work. I have no doubts. I will take you to the beach even more than once a year if that is what you want. I'll teach you how to surf with a prosthetic. You could still be a flyer and just have one base because they only have one leg to catch. You got this," He pep-talked me.

      While he was lecturing, Lydia popped her head in. I didn't even hear her come through the door because I was so caught up in my own grief. It didn't surprise me that she made an unannounced visit. She rarely plans her days.

"Lyssa? Can you take this babysitting job for me? It's tonight from 5-10. It's just the McDowell's. You know how easy their kids are. They said you can take Connor. Parker would love to see him again," she said.

      Her presence made the atmosphere ten times better. I think she felt how solemn the room was after her speech.

"Yeah, I'll do it. I'll text Mrs. McDowell now," I said.

      I was trying to hide my feelings of despair, but it never worked.

"Oh shit are you okay? Did I interrupt something?" She asked.
"Just a little heart-heart convo," he told her.
"Alyssa is just a little overwhelmed," he added.
"No everything's okay. I have some time to hang out. I'll make it better," she told me.
"Okay, you can go get in the shower Connor."