𝓢𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓸𝓫𝓾 𝓚𝓸𝓬𝓱𝓸 𝔁 𝓡𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻 𝓞𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓱𝓸𝓽𝓼

sooo.../A/n

(ok yes I ramble in this like I always do. I didn't know how to explain stuff half the time or what to say ok,I'm sorry.)

Ok ok.

I've been struggling with what exactly to say here for a while now

So I'm going to be real and just say what comes to mind and explain everything the best I can, ive been trying to prevent the inevitable of I'm pretty much done with this.

And it's not necessarily that I entirely want to leave it here, because I don't. I know I don't finish half the things I say I will but I've never lied when I've said I wanted to or was trying to.

I mean it's not a lack of ideas either. I've literally got more drafts than published parts full of ideas and half finished stuff and I'm coming up with more stuff each day still. Me thinking of so many things is literally why I created this in the first place pretty much.

At first I created this just because I was literally writing random stuff about her literally daily. Any spare time I had I would use it to write stuff about her, I'd stay up for hours just to write about her and I thought why not just post all the random stuff that doesn't fit any of the random au's and just stuff I'd been writing, here. Or just stuff in general.

I mean I'm not sure if I'm capable of feeling alot of stuff including liking anything or anyone to the extent I like her but if I am then that's how I feel about her.

I'm saying like but I mean another word beginning with l but I don't like saying that word. I know I've written it in here but since then I've decided not to say that word but anyways..

For the first year id get some free time or whatever and id think of some idea I had to write down or something and it was fun and when people actually started reading them it was nice to see that even though they weren't meant to be too serious or good that people liked them enough to keep reading.

I won't go into my actual life but it's always had...well problems In my life..like I haven't had an easy life exactly I guess to say the least is what I'm trying to say and at the time anything to do with shinobu Kocho and writing this was like some sort of escape, like I forgot everything else.

At that time for me, I decided everything was fine as long as she was the only thing on my mind and writing definitely kept her on my mind.

It was fun and probably the only thing I enjoyed, it was my whole life.

Until it wasn't.

Now don't get me wrong I still like posting things and writing and all and I still want to. If didn't I literally would've just said I'm done with writing and thanks for reading and I would've done it a while ago.

It is something I still want to do and writing as a whole isn't something I'm completely giving up on or something I'd say maybe im moving on in the way i express the stories I make to something that's actually more my style because honestly? I don't even like I guess romance or whateve, so how I got to writing it idk. I guess just literally because of shinobu. I mean I guess couldn't exactly write my actual stuff I like writing and have people read it on here. I kept that stuff to myself anyways now I'm getting off topic.

I remember someone saying that I shouldn't write if I wasn't enjoying it and I don't usually lie but I half did at the time because while ive never hated it exactly I also have not enjoyed it for pretty much all last year and some of the year before too.

Why? Because my imagination/being able to picture something is gone and that's what I enjoyed about it. Was that I was able to basically feel like I was somewhere else but I haven't been able to do that for a long time.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on but before I had the problem of thinking too much worrying every second of the day and now I can't even think. I can't imagine or anything.

I don't know why, or how or what to do about it. But last year at some point it's like my brain just sort of switched off.

It's funny because before that I wanted nothing more than to stop thinking for a while because I'd think so much it would hurt my head and Id worry alot about e evuthing to the point that at some point my stomach was constantly just..well idk how to explain it exactly but it sort of felt like it as going to be sick all the time. Which has always been a common thing for me but not literally all the time. but still somehow the not thinking is much worse than the thinking way too much for me. I guess because now I have nothing that makes me feel better.

I don't know. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it since I don't exactly understand myself but besides that I have the fact that I just don't have the time for this unless I want to not sleep at all since I already have to stay up and not sleep much to get my stuff done.

Basically this is pretty much done I guess is what I came to say. I told myself if I didn't update before my birthday then I'd just accept I probably wasn't going to and my birthday is the 27th of April so it's long gone.

Although I don't want to say a complete I'm never going to update ever again. I might. I mean if I just decide to write something or something I'll post it and like I've mentioned I do actually want to finish alot of these things but I kind of feel like if I wasn't to say this stuff then it's like I'm lying or something and also this way I don't have to feel like I have to. Not that anyone has been making me feel that way that's more a me problem.

But anyway. I mean that's a maybe though not a I will. I might just not. Although I will say with my other thing I think it's pretty likely I'll continue it it's more this that idk about. Which is weird because I like writing in here alot more than in there so idk how that works.

Anyways...

I really am grateful for everyone who read this and commented and stuff. Although it scares me I  do like reading them and sometimes replying.

And it amazes me how my stupid random stories were apparently interesting enough for people to actually read them.

Anyways even if I don't update this again I'll probably still be around, for now anyways. I mean like I said I'm probably going to continue with the other thing but anyways from possibly the last time.

Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a good day/night! <33

And sorry for the rambling again and how much I wrote.