midnight musings

&

I have grown tired of this game.

The constant back-and-forth game between contentedness and aggression, jubilation and depression. It has gotten to the point where the pit in my stomach has grown deep enough to hold all of the oceans within it yet overflows with a single drop of anxiety.

And I want to wake up in the morning feeling like I have a purpose-- that my piece is the one needed to complete the puzzle.

And I want to go through my day knowing I belong somewhere in this vast, never-ending universe-- that I'm not an extraneous entity, floating around outside only looking through the glass between me and them.

And I want to fall asleep believing that I am good enough, that all that I am is all I need.

I have gotten restless. My mind once felt much too like a prison, but it is getting to a point where I cannot distinguish what it is trying to do-- is it keeping me in or shutting the rest of the world out?

A whirlwind of emotions and hoards of clashing thoughts battle for dominance within me, but no one can ever tell. The indestructible force that is my mind can neither be penetrated nor read. Consequently, it is the deadliest power I have.

And I am starting to see my flaws-- they're protruding like spikes, lining my skin and people are starting to get too close, they're starting to get pricked and bleed because each step toward me is another piercing for them.

And my emotional scale teeters between joy and sorrow and I wonder if my tears will rust the damn thing and leave my feelings at an indistinguishable standstill.

And everyone is supposed to have dustings of good in them, but I see corrupted people living in a corrupted world--or maybe I just have a bad case of tunnel vision.

And I feel like we grew up not be to be adults but hypocrites-- though one could argue that they are practically the same thing.

And I wish I was a toddler again because ignorance is truly bliss-- back then I didn't have to worry about the bad men who wanted to watch the world burn.

And I want to see life and humanity as more than an unlucky speck dusted between two infinities in the grand scheme called time-- and truly, is it anything more?

And I can go on with my wantings--because let's face it, I'm a greedy little bugger-- and my 'and's--because I'm equally as greedy as I am annoying-- for as long as my time will allow. Though I am afriad that none these desires will ever be fulfilled, that these (maybe slightly pretentious) utterances will remain a scrambled mess of symbols and sign.

And somehow I am okay with that.