The way YOU saved ME

new start

1.

*Luisa*

I checked for what must have been the hundredth time whether everything was really in the bags.

All the important things, all the documents, medication.

I was just nervous about forgetting something. After all, this was all my responsibility right now. The first time since she was gone.

A little despair spread through me. I wasn't like her. I couldn't organize everything here like she could.

What if I failed?

Maybe the children and I should have just stayed at home...

But Enzo had really wanted to have his children with him and I could understand that. He wanted to be there for them and he needed them as much as they needed him.

Since we had buried my sister five months ago, he had hardly let his children out of his sight. He had always been a cautious father, but now he was just worried.

I understood. He didn't want to lose anyone else.

I really understood him.

Eliana's cancer diagnosis had come as a surprise. It had actually just been a check-up because she had often felt so exhausted.

By the time they had the diagnosis, however, it was basically too late. The cancer had spread quickly and very aggressively throughout her body.

She hadn't even been given the chance to fight.

And we had all just watched as she slowly died.

It had been terrible and the only real comfort I had had in those difficult weeks was that she had never been alone.

All our friends, our family, had been with her all the time.

No one had let her fall.

And this environment had also been a comfort to Enzo, the children and me after Eli lost the battle.

I knew that I wouldn't be standing here today without all our friends. Although, maybe I would. Because basically, I had only been functioning since her death.

I had never really let myself grieve. Someone had to look after the children and, of course, my brother-in-law. Someone had to cook, do the laundry, keep the house clean. Someone had to keep everything running.

It had kept me from falling into a hole and losing myself in the grief for my sister.

I had never let anyone know how bad I really was. I had always found reasons not to. I had always pretended that the others were much worse off than me.

I just hadn't let myself do it.

And now I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I was afraid of forgetting something.

I had felt the grief more and more often recently. It had been bubbling up like boiling water in a pot, but I still managed to put the lid on the pot with my hand.

I was still in control of the situation.

However, I didn't know how long I could manage that.

I took a deep breath.

The bags were packed. I hadn't forgotten anything.

My heartbeat calmed down a little as I started to carry the bags to the car.

Just don't let myself think. Just do something.

"So, we should have everything now, Enzo," I said, looking around the room with a calmness that I had practiced playing with extensively over the last few weeks.

"Thank you, darling.".

It was a reflex on his part, I was fully aware of that. But when he grabbed my chin, as he had always done with my sister, and kissed me completely unexpectedly, it was a blow.

For both of us.

His lips had barely touched mine when he jumped back a step.

"Shit, Isa, I'm sorry, I..." he ran his fingers through his dark hair and looked at me out of wide eyes "For a moment I... You look so much like her, I...".

I really did look like my sister.

We were very similar at all. Outwardly, in character. We had similar voices, liked the same things and both had a deep aversion to Brussels sprouts.

"It's all right," I replied calmly.

I knew how much he missed her. How much he longed for her. And I didn't want to be a substitute for her, I wasn't even trying to be.

Enzo wasn't my type either.

He was my sister's husband and luckily we got on well.

There was no intention behind this kiss, no thought. He had only seen my sister in me for a very brief moment.

"Isa, I'm really sorry, I..." he took a deep breath and ran his fingers over the bridge of his nose "Fuck, I miss her so much. Even more than usual now. She was always there. At every race.". His voice trailed off a little as he immediately lowered his gaze "I'm sorry, I know you miss her too.".

"Hey, it's all good, ok?" I stroked his arm briefly "We'll get it sorted. And you know she's always with you. Like she's not sitting up there looking after us now."

He nodded slowly. A pained smile on his lips.

"I'm sorry honey. I didn't mean to kiss Isa. She's still an annoying little goat." he grumbled, looking up.

"Hey!" I complained, but then I had to laugh.

The smile briefly reflected on his lips before his expression immediately turned serious again "I'll apologize to Nico for kissing you. It wasn't my intention. I'm sure he'll understand." I could hear a little hope in his voice.

The last conversation between my boyfriend and my brother-in-law hadn't gone so well. They had shouted at each other after an argument between Nico and me had got pretty out of hand.

I had told him that I was going to move in with Enzo and the children temporarily because they needed help. He had completely lost it and we had a really bad argument. So bad that I called Enzo at some point, completely desperate.

He came and picked me up. But not without setting Nico straight again.

Since then, he and Nico hadn't spoken a word.

I had spoken to my boyfriend, but it was still difficult five months later.

I was still living with Enzo and rarely saw Nico.

I'm sure he wasn't thrilled to hear that Enzo had kissed me. No matter how insignificant the kiss had been.

But since we wouldn't see Nico again before we left anyway, I just hoped that Enzo would forget about it over the weekend. Because I didn't think it needed to be brought up at all.

It had only been a brief kiss. I'd seen the guys at the ranch kiss each other for much longer than that.

It didn't mean anything.

Nico didn't need to know about it.