The way YOU saved ME

step back

*Luisa*

Franky: Alex had a really though weekend. Marc and his dad really seem to get to his head in a bad way... Maybe you and the kids can think of something to cheer him up a bit?
Me: We are already half way done with a blanket fort. The kids were so proud of how he did during the race. They want to cuddle and watch movies with him. So no worries. We will do our best.
Franky: I guess that is more than enough. I really can't stand Marc and even less his dad. They hurt Alex.
Me: You care about him?
Franky: Believe me, we all do. He is a good guy.
Me: He is. But I am happy you are all back soon. I miss the noises :P
Franky: We missed you too. We are starting now. See you soon.
Me: see you soon.

I was really released that they were already on their flight back. To say I had missed them was the understatement of the year.

But I was really worried about Alex. Even before Franky's message.

Because even if we had fallen asleep on the phone together the first night, he had only shortly answered all my messages and when I had called him he had always just asked if there was something urgent. And since there wasn't something urgent he would always hang up on me. It felt weird and gave me very mixed feelings. Very mixed signals and I wanted to keep my distance a little when he would come back. Not like leaving him alone but making sure the most important thing would be in the focus again.

The kids.

They should be the middle point. Not what we were maybe feeling for each other or maybe not.
Those mixed feelings could stay where they were and that's it.

And still of course I helped Pippo and Remo set up the blanket fort where they could watch movies with Alex when he would be back. 

The boys picked movies and shortly before the boys were supposed to be back we made popcorn and nacho sauce.

I was upstairs with Bella, changing her diaper, when I could hear the boys downstairs be back.
It was loud again all the sudden and I couldn't love it anymore.

A smile slipped over my face. They were back.

The door was opened behind me and a pair of arms was wrapped around me, Franky chuckling happily "You have no idea how boring a race weekend is without you. Becca was on the verge of a mental breakdown, since she had to deal with us all alone.".

"I missed you too.", I smiled "It was very silent here and honestly I hate silence.".

"I know.", he nodded softly brushing through my hair "And now let me take care of Bella, you need a break.", he smiled softly.

"No you just came back. It's ok Franky. I can take care of her. You have to relax.", I said softly.

"No, come on, give me my little girl and let me hold her.", he picked her up, making her giggle instantly "See, she wants to be with me.", he kissed her on the fore head and took her away from me.

I just smiled before cleaning up the space.

I went back down getting my well needed hugs from the boys, listening to their race analyses as if I hadn't seen the races myself. It had always been like that. No matter if I had been there or not.

Becca and me even shared half an hour of silence just sitting in the kitchen, talking without getting disturbed until I realized that the kids had been no where to be heard. So I went to look for them. 

They were, as suspected, in the blanket fort. I could hear the movie and I could hear them talk with Alex.

I just stood in the doorway, listening to them for a while.

"But you were fast. Why do you feel bad about it?", asked Pippo confused.

"Well I had a bad qualifying. It could have been way better and...", started Alex.

"But you overtook so many people! And you crashed and still finished the race.".

The crash had been shocking. When I saw him fall in my heart had stopped beating. In my head there had been a thousand scenarios right away. My eyes tearing up, the fear in my eyes.

But he had been back to his feet in no time. 

As if he wanted to make sure we saw that he was alright. And I was honestly thankful that he did because I wouldn't even have been able to explain that to the kids. Even If it was just a slight injury.

"I was very worried when you crashed.", Remo said.

"I am sorry.", answered Alex "But I got up as fast as I could so you would see I was ok.".

"Isa cried when she saw you down on the ground.", Pippo remarked.

"She did?", Alex asked surprised.

"Yes. She was scared. I think she feared you would be gone, like papa.".

My eyes teared up again. My sweet boy thinking about why I was crying and being absolutely right because he probably feared exactly the same.

I stood there for a while longer just listening to them talk until Franky came back with Bella.

I got her ready for bed, sang her to sleep and went to my bed myself because the boys were still with Alex.

It was a nearly sleepless night. Just like all the nights when the boys had been gone and I realized how much I actually needed Alex with me to have a good nights sleep.

All the nights he wasn't with me, I wasn't able to sleep through. 

It was dumb but somehow he gave me something that was giving me enough peace to sleep.

But since he avoided me I was just too proud to ask him if I could sleep in his bed.

I had absolutely no idea what I did wrong. 

Maybe he just changed his mind. Maybe the weekend away has made him realize that he doesn't want to be that close to me.

It was alright but he could have just talked to me. Just told me what was on his mind.

But instead he left the room when I walked in. He did not talk to me at all.

He was good with the kids, he did everything for them and he was still sweet and gentle to everyone but avoided me fully.

It was strange. He was strange. But all those ups and downs, all these mixed feelings and signals... It was just too much for me.

And the more he got away from me, the more I stepped away from him.

Even though my heart ached for him. Even though I became more and more sleep deprived I was too proud.

With every step he took away, I took one back too.

The boys were cool with each other, treating each other like nothing had happened, while I felt like I was falling apart. Keeping myself busy by always taking care of the kids.

They were the only thing that kept me alive.

I kept on waking up every day, kept on doing everything that had to be done, just for them.

But it felt much like after Eli's death. Because I didn't talk to anyone about how I really felt. I didn't tell anyone what was really on my mind. I just kept the mask on my face and worked.

Day by day.

Until we had a little barbeque on the ranch one evening.

I had prepared everything with Becca, while the boys took care of the kids.

Marta had brought some friends tonight too and when I walked out and saw Alex flirting with one of the girls, that was the straw that broke the camels back.

My heart stopped when I saw him there. I just put the salad on the table and had to go straight back in because I couldn't keep the mask up any longer. I couldn't keep myself together any longer and as soon as I reached the kitchen, I slammed down on a chair crying my heart out.

Bitter tears because it hurt me more than it should.

Because he meant more to me than he should.

Because I fell in love while he walked away from me, step by step.

Shit. I should have never gone that far with him... never. It had been the wrong step.

And it hurt like crazy.