Heart's Desire

Chapter 28

"What should I do? She won't talk to me, let alone allow me to be in her presence," I let out a sigh, running my hand through my hair.

My mother and I were in my room, the room I was in whenever my father was Caesar. Whenever I became Caesar, we moved into his room. Now, I can't even look at that door without the horrors of that night coming back to me. I'd wake up every now and then when I was asleep due to nightmares. And it wasn't anything Odessa did. It was what Aetius did. Just the thought that if he was successful is what keeps me up at night. The thought of what if Odessa didn't come in to save me and if I wasn't able to get him off me after that headbutt. Just so many things that could have gone wrong that night terrified me. But everything went right that night, so why am like this? I think it's just because of everything happened so fast and I didn't even think Aetius was bold enough to do something like that, even after he threatened me.

"Y/N, I think Odessa is coming to terms with what happened that night, the same way you're coming to terms with it."

"I get that, but if we talk to each other, we can help one another. I can understand what is going on inside her head and she can understand what is going on inside mine. Has she talked to you?"

"Yes."

"What did she say?"

"It's better that you two have that conversation."

"I would like to, but she won't talk to me."

"Give her time, Y/N."

I nodded my head, "I just want to let her know that I still love her. That I still love her no matter what happened that night. T-That I don't see her as a monster or a brute. She was protecting me. Sure, she went a bit overboard, but at least we don't have to worry about him anymore."

"Just his family."

"His family are nothing but cowards who are seeking power because they don't have any. I should take care of them."

"And what are you to do?"

"Same thing I did with my father, put them on trial."

"Odessa killed their son."

"Due to protection reasons. Look, if the council won't side with her and I, then I will deal with them myself."

"They already fled Rome," my mother said.

"That would have been nice to know."

"Antonius made sure they did."

"Good. At least they won't bother us anymore," I let out a sigh, sitting down beside my mother. "Was being with dad this hard?"

"Not at first, but after he learned the truth of what happened that night, he became colder and basically ignored me, remember?"

"Right."

"You have it good, Y/N. You have someone who is always looking out for you. Always making sure you're ok, you're safe, and that you're comfortable. Always making sure that you are doing what you want to do and not what she wants to do," my mother let out a sigh. "I wish your father was like that when I was going through my pregnancy."

"Was he not like that at the beginning?"

"He was. But like I said, everything changed when he learned the truth."

"Do you think if Aetius was successful, Odessa would do the same?"

"No," my mother didn't hesitate with her answer. "Because Odessa loves you so much that I don't think she'd forgive herself if she didn't care for you. She would raise that child like it was her own. That's the difference between your father and Odessa. Odessa is willing to be the person who steps up while your father wanted everything handed to him. Maybe it was because his father gave him everything before he passed away."

"Odessa came from a humble family that worked hard to get by. Just how she is with her siblings, she stepped up when her father died and helped her mother take care of them."

"She's a good person, Y/N."

"I never doubted her," I said. "Even now I don't doubt it. She was always a good person."

"We need more people like her in this empire."

"We just need understanding people in this empire. People who are not out for power."

My mother shook her head, "Unfortunately, the world will never change."

I nodded my head, "Yeah."

My mother reached over, placing a hand on my shoulder, "Odessa will come around. I'm sure of it."

"I-I miss her. I miss her holding me at night, her morning and goodnight kisses, just everything about her I miss."

"Give her time and space. She's coming to terms with her actions. She did basically beat a man's face in."

"She wasn't like this when she killed my father."

"Because she knew she had to kill him. She came to those terms beforehand. She killed someone on the spot and now it is the aftermath of coming to terms with it."

I nodded my head, "Yeah."

She stood up and so did I. I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly.

"Thanks, mom."

"You're welcome, Y/N. If there is anything that Odessa has shown you, it is that she's a keeper. A true, genuine person."

"And I will always love her for that."

"I just want to let her know that I still love her. That I still love her no matter what happened that night. T-That I don't see her as a monster or a brute. She was protecting me."

She still loves me. She doesn't see me as a monster or a brute. She always will see me as a normal person. A person who has flaws and will love them, too. She loves everything about me and I love everything about her. She truly was the one person who I let walk into my life unexpectedly. And now I don't want her to walk out on me. She never would, but I fear after that night she would have. The look in her eyes when she stopped me. I could never rid that from my memory as that was forever burned into my mind. Sure, I can forget the fact that I killed Aetius in the most brutal way possible, but that fearful and frightened look in her eyes. I can never forgive myself for letting her see that side of me. The side of me that is uncontrolled rage. But I should talk to her.

I raised my hand to the door and knocked on it.

"Hello?" her voice rang through the room.

I opened the door, revealing myself.

"Odessa?"

"I-I'm sorry, Y/N."

"I'll let you two talk," my mother said, walking out of the room.

I walked into the room and closed the door. I was about to say something, but feeling her warm arms wrap around my waist tightly stopped me. I froze in place, not expecting this reaction from her.

"I-I'm sorry, Y/N," was all I could muster, a tear sliding down the side of my face.