Heart's Desire

Chapter 29

"I-I'm sorry, Y/N," she said.

"Odessa, I-I don't see you as anything other than who you are," I said, pulling away to face her.

We sat down on the edge of my mother's bed. She reached over and took her hands into mine, holding them tightly.

"B-But I showed you a side I never wanted you to see."

"I've seen you kill people."

"You have, but not like that. T-That was something other than pure protection purposes. I hope you know that me killing Aetius was an accident. I didn't mean for it to go that far. I-I just," she let out a sigh. "I-I lost control."

"Dez," I said. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"You know I was part of the army, right?"

"Yes."

"When I was 18, before I decided to become a gladiator, I was in the army for two years. I helped the Roman Empire expand into the territories we control to this day. I was usually the person in the front line as I was a lot stronger than some men. Not to mention, I had to disguise myself as a man. They wouldn't accept me as a woman. I-I've seen so many deaths in the most brutal way possible that I find myself still being woken up to this day about them.

"Some I have gotten over, but there are times where I can still see the enemies' faces so clearly when I close my eyes, to the point where I thought about just walking onto that battlefield and be struck down. I hated it. I hated being in the army and defending your father whenever he praised the others, but never me. He saw who I was even when I hid myself. When I bound my chest, despite how hard it was, and when I titled my helmet down, he easily knew who I was. Probably because he was the one who let me into the army."

"Do you think it was because he couldn't get your father to kill you?"

"What?"

"Since your father didn't kill you, do you think the reason he allowed you into the army was the idea that you wouldn't last out there?"

"Maybe. Whatever his reason, I will never know and I don't want to know. But when I was beating in Aetius's head, it reminded me of a time I did something similar. It almost got me killed and revealed to the army. I was walking on the battlefield with a few other soldiers when I walked off from them. I had to step away because the stench of stale blood just made me sick to my stomach. As I was throwing up, one of the guys who I thought was dead grabbed my ankle and pulled me to the ground.

"He removed my helmet and found out I was a woman. He was about to tell everyone, but before he did that, he was about to," she stopped. "You know. That."

"Right. Go on."

"Before he could even get it out, I pinned him to the ground and with all the fear and rage I was feeling, I just beat his head in. It was worse than Aetius's. When the other soldiers heard the commotion going on, I grabbed my helmet and covered my face again."

"Odessa," I placed my hand on top of hers. "W-Why didn't you tell me this sooner? Does it still haunt you to this day?"

She slowly nodded her head, a tear sliding down her face, "I-It's the one reason why I hide who I am down there. Aside from everything else. But just the thought of you almost getting taken advantage of, it reminded me of that almost happening to me."

"Odessa," I said.

"That is one of the reasons as to why I don't want to do anything with you yet. Because I fear that you'll see us doing that in the same light."

"You would never hurt me. I know that. You've always looked after me and wanted to make sure I was safe from any harm. You're different than everyone else I've known. You actually respect me and my body and you love me for who I am. I couldn't ask for anyone else."

A smile crawled on to her face, "I-I've been trying to come to terms with what happened."

"I am, too. And it has nothing to do with what you did."

"Talk to me."

"I-I just think about the what ifs. What if he was actually able to hold me down long enough to where he succeeded? What if you hadn't come in and saved me? What if I hadn't gotten him off of me? Stuff like that. I should be thinking of the positives of that situation, but it was mostly negative that night."

"I understand."

"And I also wondered if you would do what my father did to my mother."

"Never, Y/N," she said with confidence, placing a hand to my cheek. "I'd never leave you when you need me most. I'd never take the child away from you because they're not mine. I would love to raise a family with you. No matter if they're blood related to me or not. A family is still a family."

Tears streaked down my face as I hugged her tightly. She pulled me onto her lap, holding me close.

"Were you worried by that thought?"

I nodded my head against her shoulder.

"You don't have to worry about that, love. I'll be beside you no matter what."

I pulled away and she placed her hands on my cheeks, swiping the tears away with her thumbs.

"W-What are you coming to terms with? I want to help you."

"I was just worried if you'd see me any differently. See me as what everyone else has been seeing me as of recently."

"You're not a monster," I said. "You're not a beast. You're not a brute. You are Odessa. My love," I said, pressing a kiss to the tip of her nose. "My everything," I pressed one to her cheek. "The one I adore the most," I pressed a kiss to the other. "And finally, the one my heart desires."

I placed a kiss to her lips. She melted in and pulled me closer to her. I wrapped my arms around her neck as we slowly made out with one another. It picked up a bit as she got faster with her kisses, desperately wanting all of me.

"Fuck," she pulled away.

"What's the matter? Oh," I said.

"I-I'm so sorry," she said, about to lift me up.

"No, no."

"What?"

"I want this."

"You want this?" she asked. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Odessa."

She nodded her head, "And I won't trigger anything?"

"If you do, I will let you know."

She nodded once more, "You sure about this?"

"Odessa, I love everything about you. And I love the fact that you want to start a family with me. So, let's start a family. Just not on my mother's bed."

Her head titled backwards as she let out a laugh, "Alright. Then where shall we go, my love?"

"My room," I said.

"Lead the way."