This story i made it for me, but
There are so many 'things' that you can imagine (just use your imagination)
It's for me, you, all, and someone who i love (still learning what loves really are, and still learn about someone)
Write sometimes in bahas...
Hi reader's 🤍 Untuk chapter ini, akan ditulis dalam bentuk bahasa Inggris dan bahasa Indonesia, akan ada beberapa part jika dalam bahasa Inggris takut ya akan disalahartikan.
Jika terdapat istilah-istilah, silahkan mengklik tautan yang berisikan informasi tentang penulisan istilah tersebut
Love, kin 🕊️
***
Someday, you will think that, everything that's going on right now or maybe today, it's just happen out of your control. Including inside you or not.
Today, 9 a.m Everything just happens without my permission, my mind just controlling my day.
I cried, I remember everything, but that wasn't important if you guys want to know :)
One question to you guys, "is that hard, to make some decisions to yourself? For example, to release 'something' in your life?"
Ups! Gambar ini tidak mengikuti Pedoman Konten kami. Untuk melanjutkan publikasi, hapuslah gambar ini atau unggah gambar lain.
Yeah, i know, black balloons, not just one. Just like what you see. More than one.
Imagining, if that black balloon was opinions, bad or good opinions doesn't matter, just imagine, that was your opinion from what you have done (from what do you decide to anything, example just like me, I got stuck to taking actions, that I want to choose to become doctor or architecture. So many options and opinions came to me again and again).
And somebody ask you "Emangnya kamu menyukai balon hitam? Apakah kamu tidak mau memiliki balon warna-warni?" Of course, i want it so much, but I can't release my black balloons. Why? Just only one answer for that question. Scared. Just like today :)
For 3 days, I cried lots of time. Many things in my mind, throwing forward to me, after long time I never had this moment again. The reason? Of course, love.
Yeah, love.
Why? Why? And why?
Because, i already fall before, 8 years ago. Simple, but hurt me that much. Every kids in this world, had there own figure, and some of kids, think that they had a 'hero' in there life.
Everything was inside my mind and my soul, the way I think it just imaginations (for some of people, who's always use logic in every single things, but hey, don't judge me, because this is the fact, in real life), but what I feel it's real, I can't even remember what just happen at that time, something triggered me or what else, but I can feels inside me was hurting.
***
9 April 2024
Have you ever seen someone who has the ability to do divination, like tarot reader for example?
I know, you all wondering, are you going there? haha, i can do it by myself, but i didn't dare to do that by myself. But yeah, i did, but i don't do by myself, i ask my friend. My close friend, who had the same frequent with me.
But, don't know what just happen. Did you all, maybe sometimes think like your smartphone knowing what you want? Example, when you guys wishing to know, how that guy (boy/girl doesn't matters) like like or not (if you guys know what i mean)? And at that time too, when you reading something or watch something, you guys will see the answer of you question.
For example, "will you let go your past and your trauma, and finally trust and fall in love someone? Like take a chance with you"
Just like this lyrics, And he's got swirls of passion in his eyes Uncoverin' the dreams, he dreams at night As much and hard as he tries to hide I can see right through, see right through
At the first time i saw, still don't believe on it, but i got something that i can't explain that much, but i can told you.
Becoming friends This is the one for you (i mean me) This person that i (god) sent it to you, is the answer for your pray (your = me)
Sound weird huh? I was think about that either, but now i know why. But still, can i be myself or still covering my true self?
But before this day, i feel confidence, but this day, i got lost confidence that much. I still can't release something bad in the pass, but i try enough and hard to let go, but still it's hurt, to many but, haha.
The last but, i feel i can let go, because i saw him. Eventhough, I don't feel equal to him yet. Yeah, still holding my trauma at the past, not just from inside, but outside too. I don't blame them, i just blame myself. So, i don't want everyone to know, because of that I build high walls, as a guide to my life. Until this day.
Just like, someone said to me "You've been injured, and you treated it alone without anyone's help all this time. Now because you don't want to get hurt again, you always avoid it and keep the wound alone, and make that your life principle. You're too careful, but you're always looking for that, without you knowing, just like you met him"
And this person also said "He's not like the others, isn't he? You are still hurt, heal it slowly first, so you can accept him fully, I know you are sincere, but you and he are still too young, you have to process it first, okey? I know, you dont want to loose it, you can hold but not holding that deep okey"
Knowing myself growing my hair and doesn't cut it, i know that i can release something i shouldn't hold for this long time.
Can i? Maybe i can. I will try, for myself.
***
The wheel of fortune, have one meaning, a life cycle (good or bad, it's up to us).
When your life, just like the wheel of fortune, it's mean you were happy in your life. Or, you were in the toxic cycle, all over and over again. Dysthimia(1).
