Intuition?

Reason or Lesson

Double update, bukan end tapi extra part
Another POV dari penulis, full POV
Akan menggunakan bahasa inggris dan bahasa Indonesia.

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Mini extra part

Kin POV

18 April 2024

Just trust me, you'll be fine?

"He's not like the others, isn't he?  You are still hurt, heal it slowly first, so you can accept him fully, I know you are sincere, but you and he are still too young, you have to process it first, okey? I know, you don't want to lose it, you can hold but not holding that deep okey"

Peace and quite on the outside, but not in the inside.

Flashback on...

2015-2017

Tepatnya 9 tahun yang lalu, i meet someone. In my life, and at the same time, I had the first and of course really bad memory. Yes, someone is hurting me, someone really close to me. Please don't guess who, you will not know, now until forever.

I was sad, mad, confused, and speechless at the same time. And at that time, I knew this person. Until that time, June 19 2015, my first relation. The first one, first to like someone, first 'relation', first i saw someone look at me inside my eye, being friends-brother-bf-enemy at the same time, and of course being hurt (cheated at the first time, in 2017).

But before this person did that to me, I already got hurt before, more than this. Of course, at that time, i never put trust on boy/man, even though my family.

Aku sedari dulu disebut seniman oleh siapapun yang bertemu dengan diriku. Multitalenta, kalo kata pak Yuli (guru seni rupa sekolahku). Pak Yuli selalu menghadiri undangan yang aku berikan ke beliau, meski secara online sekalipun, beliau selalu hadir. Saat aku lomba baca puisi, pentas dan lomba tari, bermain peran, menjadi tim paduan suara (meskipun tidak pernah ikut lomba, karena selalu terhalang dengan latihan paskibra), belajar musik, menulis karya, dan bahkan mengikuti pameran lukisan.

He said to me, that i was one of his favourite students, haha. I don't know if it is serious or not, but he is still my teacher.

One day, i made one pictures, well I drew it myself, and i gave it to someone that I met in 2015. Guess what, did he accept it or appreciate it?

Hahaha, poor me.

He did that to me, one thing, but it makes me don't believe people even more, especially boys. And I kept it myself. I know he kept it, but on June 19 2017, he gave it back to me. At that time, I decided to destroy all my drawings, my art. Dan aku memutuskan untuk menutup hobiku, dalam melukis.

2017-2020

After that moment, I met a lot of people. The second time, I met a new person, but he also did the same to me. The difference, we never had a relation.

But, in mei 2019, this person came back, many ways, many tricks, he said that he wanted to commit. Badly, I accept it, but I had the reason, not because i still like him, but he's sister and mom really want me.

But, not lucky me, 2020, he did it again. I said, I didn't want anymore time, August 3 2020, it's all ended.

And at that time, someone who hurt me for the first time, did the same thing.

2 persons, at one time.
And at the same time, I decided not allow people know that I love being an artist. Ataupun, julukan seniman itu, aku tutup rapat-rapat. Also my feelings.

But, I still doing my other things, still dancing, singing (even though my voice isn't good enough), playing music (not much, only ukulele and guitar for little bit), sometimes I did drawing something, only made a picture, that I had in my dream. Yeah, I remember all my dreams.

Flashback off...

4 tahun, sudah berlalu, tapi rasanya masih sama. Takut.

Until, I guess I met someone who I prayed for(?), since 4 years ago.

Came out from my zone, my comfortable space, doing anything that I can, make myself busy and giving so much achievements, joining many organisations, being speakers in one community for 3 years, anything, just to forget that I had feelings for myself. Until, that dysthymia comes, and feeling weak is not good for all this time. 14 years, I guess. I don't know, I don't remember.

One thing that I'm glad about I made this far, new me.

Until, I met this person.
I hate to have intuition that doesn't even match me, yes, I hate this person, that I meet in 2018. But it changes now. The second time, I met this person, eye to eye, i had that 'things' deep inside me.

The library.

Terbentur, terbentur, terbentuk.

Awalnya, semua itu seperti hanya ilusi,
halusinasi belaka. Tapi nyatanya dia nyata.
Keinginan menyerah, sudah ada.
Keinginan untuk tetap sendiri,
Keinginan untuk menutup sepenuhnya jati diri,
Keinginan untuk tetap berdiri sendiri, hanya sendirian saja,
Keinginan untuk mengunci rapat-rapat,
Terbolak-balik begitu saja.
Dia nyata, tapi aku tidak percaya diri.
Sempurna, 1 kata, arti luas.

Pendirian tegas membuatnya berbeda, capaiannya yang tidak menyerah akan hal baru, caranya memahami dan merasakan, caranya yang tenang dan santai, tapi bisa menyelesaikan semua. Siapa yang tidak mengaguminya? Tentu banyak yang mengaguminya.

Aku? Tentu.
Tapi sepertinya, aku tidak pantas.

Dia berbeda, jelas berbeda.
Aku tau, tapi tentu ku tutupi.
Aku denial, selalu denial bahwa aku tau mauku seperti apa.

Aku hanya masih bingung, belum yakin sepenuhnya. Pada diriku sendiri.

Begitu pula dia.

Seperti filosofi pasir
Semakin kamu menggenggam erat pasir, maka pasir yang ada di genggaman mu akan semakin menyakitimu dan akan keluar dari genggaman tanganmu. Tapi jika kamu tidak terlalu menggenggamnya, maka pasir itu tidak akan menyakitimu dan dia akan tetap ada di tanganmu.

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God, may I have my bytania? Not just for now, but may I have for ever?

But, if my library doesn't want me. Please let me go, let it go.

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For,  A.