19. Respite

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The meaning of these roads has changed over time. Some cultures have taken to paths defined as "North" versus "South," "East" versus "West," "Hell" and "Heaven." Other cultures deny the existence of the paths entirely.

Some may say that those venturing into the afterlife are not presented with paths at all. Rather decisions of fate.

Do I answer this phone call?

Do I board this flight?

Do I let my eyes close, even for a second?

March 2006
One day later.

"Any word from Nanami and Haibara-kun?"

"Last thing Nanami told me was that they arrived at the airport to pick Honami up." I point my nose towards the sun, accepting all of its gentle warmth. "I still can't believe I let that poor girl get captured."

"It can't be helped," Suguru says, looking over our itinerary. "Part of the blame lies with us too."

"But you're not the ones who allowed her to go to school."

"You were right to let her go," he says. "Because of you she was able to say goodbye to someone precious to her."

Amanai and Satoru screaming in the water catches my attention. He's found a sea cucumber to chase her around with. My heart feels lighter being able to watch him play like this, to see the initiative he's taken in making Amanai's last days worthwhile. His heart is far more tender than he cares to let on.

"Does Satoru ever talk about me?"

"Sure, all the time."

"What does he say?"

"I wouldn't be a very good best friend to him if I shared that, now would I?"

"But if I wanted more from him," I hesitate to finish the thought, wondering if the conversation would be worth our time at all, "Do you think he would want that?"

Suguru smirks at me. "Define 'more'."

I frown. "You know what I mean."

"You're both incredibly determined to be strong," he sighs. "I don't think it's a matter of whether he wants it or not. Rather, is he willing to let you become a weakness?"

"You think I would make him weak?"

"Loving someone always makes you weak."

"Sure," I hum, turning back to the two still chasing each other in the water, "But, in my experience, loving someone has never felt like a choice, even if it did make me weak."

"I don't know how willing he is to be weak," Suguru says honestly, "Even for you."

My gaze lowers to my hands, mindlessly running through the sand. "I see."

"It's getting close anyway," Suguru stands up, prompting me to start packing up all of our things. Assuming all goes to plan, we could have Amanai safe and ready inside of Jujutsu High by nightfall. "Satoru! It's time."

"Oh, already?" I see him glance at Amanai in the water. "Let's head back tomorrow morning instead," before her eyes light up, and she isn't hesitating anymore to take the towel I hold out for her.

"You have a starfish," I pull the red star from her hat, holding it out for her, "Souvenir."

"Thank you. I-is it really okay if we stay here another day?"

"Of course it is," I assure her right away. "You have the three strongest Jujutsu sorcerers keeping an eye on you, might as well take advantage."

The happiness this so clearly brings her, the way it pulls every muscle of her face upward, makes my heart swell with joy and grief all at the same time. Kayaking through the lake, being pulled by the hand through a hydrangea field, bringing her to an aquarium one last time—I can't fight the notion that giving her all these things might cure the final moments I couldn't give Momoko. That saving and killing this girl at the same time is my penance for every great failure.

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