A Writer's Block

fuck like most of these is ranting about my parents

Fuck I think all my choices in life I am gonna blame them at the end of the day, even with the good things I do, I'll probably never be satisfied. but holy shit. Even with how hard they try, the emotional needs aren't even met, and they wouldn't even listen to any word I say. But after they feel bad, it's hard to talk about it because the damage has already been done. I wish my parents were much nicer and better. If they were, I wouldn't feel that the world is so against me all the time, and wouldn't feel so angry and self-loathing all the time. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.... But after this shit, I'll probably feel emptiness again.... I really wish I was more normal and had better relationships.

And of course, I probably ranted about this shit even back then, I always feel like my mom always attacks me, or make me feel like shit. And then she'd probably act as if she wasn't a part of it, I would write in notebooks about it, but when she finds it out, she'd rages. I guess we're not allowed to express ourselves, despite her always telling us express ourselves. My father on the other hand is like always so deadbeat. He used to be so fun, but like when he left for work, it's like... He changed, and he's probably depressed but wouldn't admit that to mom. I guess even if I may look like I have daddy issues, I have much more mommy issues. And like fucking Vil Schoenheit is much more nicer than my mom, even though he is supposed to be based on the evil queen. I really don't get it, how she is a psychologist but then her daughter has so many issues that she needs to get checked. My dad I guess, I can't really bring myself to trust him anymore. He invaded my personal space, and once they always do, they'll always bring me down for the things I love, and the thing I'm truly passionate about, then gaslight me that the only thing I'm good at is studying. When, I don't really wanna study logic and the rigid formalities of everything anymore, I just want to learn through the flow of life, and find things that I'm actually interested in. If they can be like "why can't you be like this" to me, then why can't they be better? I don't know why my mom always says about trauma though, but like she wouldn't even give the time of day to let me open up, and do I even expect her to listen to me, when she'll just dismiss every word I say? I hate this so much. Why can't I just be a normal girl, why does my parents have to be so dysfunctional on the inside, and yet I don't think anyone even listens to me with this. But if they were probably better at handling someone like me, I'd probably wouldn't have made the mistakes that I have made in the past. But it's really no use, I only have myself to hold. I guess I hope I'll be able to leave them after college, I'll just help them financially, but I want to cut ties with them like not see them at all anymore. It kinda mirrors their love in a way. But like, I really hope that one day, either I would probably be able to manage my neurotical problems that I have been sensing, or at least find a family who actually loves me, or at least find someone that will give me the emotional needs that I need. It's pretty much the reason why I can't really get into a romantic relationship right now, because the last one, you might already know.