teacher's pet

where is here?

𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳

≛

karl thinks that he feels worse every day that passes.

time heals everything, apparently, so why is he only getting worse?

sitting on his bathroom floor, karl can't help but keep thinking back on everything.

the worst realisation, the one that keeps hurting him over and over, is that lucas never really cared about him. not for one minute. he just did a really fucking good job of acting like he did.

every nice word, every compliment, every gentle touch. all of it was an act, a cruel way to lure karl into a false of sense of security. to make him feel like he was being seen and heard and misunderstood.

lucas created this narrative where he was the only person in the world who understood karl. he made the brunette believe that he needed him, and that everything was good with him.

none of it was real.

it shouldn't, but the whole ordeal makes karl wonder what else he's made up in his head. was sapnap ever really his best friend? does delilah really love him as a son?

what if all of it is fake and he keeps falling for the same tricks over and over? karl has spent months thinking that lucas is the only person he can trust but now even that is gone and he can't help but think there is nobody left.

nobody for him to turn to. no one he can talk to. no safe space.

lucas tricked him into everything. the feelings. the sex.

karl thinks it's normal for him to wonder why exactly he was chosen by the older man for his evil doings. does he just seem vulnerable? does he give off this energy that screams i'll fall for anything, because it's starting to feel this way?

karl wants to convince himself that maybe there is something good about him that attracted lucas. maybe he's physically attractive, and that's why the older man chose him to prey on. or maybe it's his intelligence. or maybe karl really was the only person stupid enough to fall for it all.

the brunette looks down at his bleeding wrist with a sigh. one of his cuts is infected, and you would think that might inspire him to actually start cleaning them, but he doesn't even care.

it's all red and puffy and, weirdly, he actually likes it. it sticks out above all the others, even the ones he only just did, and it looks worse. it makes him feel like he's actually done some damage, which is exactly what he wants. it's like a small achievement through all of his failures recently.

the brunette pushes up onto his knees, just enough to drop the blade into the sink, and then sits back on his haunches, eyes finding his arms once more.

a little voice tells him to keep going. to cut more. cut deeper.

he's too tired right now.

the brunette closes his eyes, counts to ten slowly, and then hauls himself up off of the floor, using one hand on the sink to stabilise himself. he's been all shaky and lightheaded recently. the last few days he's struggled to eat without feeling sick so he just... stopped eating.