teacher's pet

the aftermath

𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳

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it took weeks for lucas to find a day when karl could come over, needing to make sure his wife and kids would be away.

knowing that caused karl a guilt that ripped into him. he felt like he was being taken apart whenever lucas would mention his family in texts or in person when they were 'working on the book'.

karl liked what they had going on. he liked feeling special and thinking that someone cared and having someone to talk to and so on, but it was starting to get...

well, karl cut a few times over the last few weeks.

he doesn't even know how it happens. or why. his emotions are normally fine but then, sometimes, when he is alone and usually at nighttime, his feelings just seem to inflate. they get bigger and bigger until he feels like he's being strangled, and then it's like the only way he can make the pain go away is by turning it physical.

karl can't even remember where the idea came from in the first place. he doesn't know what led him down this path but... it's like he's stuck here now.

so when lucas finally invited him around, saying they had a night to themselves, karl's guilt came second place to the nerves that spread through him with the realisation.

they would see each other after school most days, and lucas had started giving him pretty regular lifts home after their 'book' meetings so they could talk and make out in the car. the whole reason they were trying to find a time to meet was so karl could bank on his prize for doing so well on the quiz in their english class.

sex.

karl, a virgin, should've been scared by the thought, maybe. intimidated? whatever feeling is normal coming up to one's first time, he didn't experience it. karl was ready to have sex around a year ago, with alex, and the only reason he didn't was because his ex moved away.

the only emotion karl felt towards his first time (with a forty-two-year-old, no less) was nerves about his recent coping habits.

the cuts on his arms were impossible to miss, especially with his habits increasing recently because of karl's guilt, and he was terrified of the repercussions that might come from lucas seeing what he had done to himself.

but he couldn't bring himself to say no.

karl never knows how to say no.

so it's a relief, for karl, to find himself lying half-naked in lucas' bed, the older man asleep behind him, with his long-sleeved t-shirt still on.

it's tight and wet with sweat, but even that's better than being bare.

karl had come up with a perfect excuse on their way back to lucas' house. he was going to use his relationship with alex as an explanation for his insecurities and claim that he wouldn't feel comfortable having sex topless, and that it would ruin the experience.

but lucas hadn't even tried to take it off.

they'd gone through all the expected steps that come with having sex, just without ever removing karl's shirt. lucas took off his own but he never even showed a hint of interest in karl removing his. even when it seemed perfect timing to take it off, like when lucas was tugging down the neckline to litter kisses on karl's collarbones, he didn't. he just went about the advancement at an awkward angle, sort of like he was avoiding removing the shirt.

it was almost like he knew karl was hiding something and he didn't want to uncover it and ruin the moment. but that's impossible, so karl doesn't consider the possibility.

lucas can't know about karl's cuts. the brunette was just blessed that the older man wasn't bothered about whether or not he was wearing a shirt.

karl considers that a win.

the brunette is so distracted by everything happening in his head that the very real fact that he just had sex for the first time hasn't even really settled in yet.

then again, the stuff mixing around in his head hasn't really settled in either, and none of his thoughts have started to reform themselves as feelings.

he feels almost... numb.

physically, of course, he isn't. he can feel a burning sort of ache in his thighs and he's still partially breathless, even though enough time has passed for lucas to fall asleep. not to mention the expected pains in his ass and lower back.

it's his emotions that feel empty.

sex is supposed to be some really big, exciting thing, and when karl was with alex he had looked forward to it as that. now, all of the enjoyment that should've come with it was marred by the anxiety of everything that could go wrong.

not just with his scars, either, but worries about his family somehow finding out or lucas' family coming back and catching them in the act.

maybe it wasn't so much fear as it was horror, as he pictured lucas' wife walking in with a child in her arms to find her husband, the father of her two young children, in bed with his teenage student.

karl pushes away the thoughts because he doesn't like belittling their relationship like that. he doesn't like thinking of it as some scandal.

it's just hard not to think about those things when you're doing something risky and there are hundreds of scenarios that could lead to horrible, life-changing outcomes for both you and someone you love.

nothing went wrong, and karl knows that this is the time he should start feeling relief and joy and... other good things, but he doesn't. he can't.

why can't he?

karl is so frustrated he could cry, but he's also not frustrated at all. he's annoyed that he isn't feeling anything but, at the same time, how can he be annoyed when his emotions have left him?

karl almost wants to cry, because at least then he would know that his first time having sex hasn't robbed him of all chance of feeling again.

he is supposed to feel great.

it's not like karl didn't enjoy it, because he did, it felt nice once he got past the bad bits, and it isn't like lucas took advantage because karl genuinely did want to take this step with the older man. he was ready. it felt right.

karl tries to come up with a reason for why he isn't feeling anything, but he comes up empty-handed. he can't even be bothered to switch his brain on for long enough to make something up.

when he gets home, he'll make sure he can still feel.

it's not like he has to stop himself now, since he knows that lucas isn't fussed about topless sex.

≛

reen said they were excited for today's chapter... oops. not the best chapter to look forward to in any sense...

oh well

love you reen

and i love everyone else also <3

-kit