Inescapable

Ch. 12

Healing is never linear. Yes, your body might've healed, but your mind was a different story. At the hospital you had to recount everything that happened, and you could see the faces of the people you love change. How they looked at you with pity, as if you were broken. You had to recount the way they beat you, assaulted you. You had to tell them how they controlled Bucky, how they tortured him, and how you have a vague recollection of Bucky saving you. When you were finally cleared, they all rallied around you and brought you home.

Nat was never far, always making sure you had a cup of coffee or tea in hand, a warm blanket. Steve would ask you to join him on the couch to catch up on pop culture, but you knew it was to keep your mind off things. Tony – Tony was your rock. Helping you up from bed in the morning when your body ached, keeping you grounded with his hand in yours whenever possible. But there were things that still shook you. You couldn't help but flinch at loud, unexpected noises. You stayed away from the dinner table, choosing to have your meals on the plush couch instead. At night your nightmares were memories replayed, and you couldn't handle being touched when you awoke from one. You know it hurt Tony, but he put on a brave face and kept his distance when that happened, talking you down from your panic until you finally crawled yourself to him for comfort. It was after one particularly bad nightmare, once you finally reached out to Tony that you whispered softly, "I think I need help."

He found you the best therapist, private and respectful, a woman too. Little by little the nightmares got better; your fears simmered. Bruce came to stay, and he always treated you as a person who wasn't broken, always lending his ear to talk. Although you heard from whispers that when Nat told him what happened the Big Guy came out. Things only got brighter when Clint came to visit, he never looked at you with pity and treated you just as before. When Thor and Loki arrived together, that was a real turning point for you. Thor brought laughter back in you, but Loki...

At first everyone was aghast of his arrival, but once you told everyone he wasn't bad, they actually listened and tried their best to accept him. He approached you, no longer wary, but with respect. The first thing he did was take your hand and kiss it. "You are wise for an earthly being. I did as you instructed, but our efforts only delayed what my mother told me what was written in her stars. I thank you for giving me some extra time with her, and for opening my brother's eyes." You internally cursed that you could not save Frigga, but it gave you some solace that she had more time with Loki. You watched as Loki stared at you, as if studying you. "What troubles you? You've changed somehow." You watched as your friends stiffened; you saw Tony ready to attack. You put your hand up, stopping him short. His eyes showed confusion, but his trust in you never wavered. You motioned to the couch and took a seat yourself; Loki obliged you and took a seat nearby. Everyone else filed in around you, Tony sitting right behind you, a hand on your shoulder to ground you. Thor eventually followed, though confused and sat near Loki. You recounted every sordid detail again, and realized it was the first time Bruce and Clint got the full story too.

When you were done recounting the tale, Loki spoke with a calm voice. "You gave me more time with our mother, and treated me like no other ever has. I am so sorry we were not here to stop these horrors from occurring." You sat there confused as he stood up and came to a stop in front of you. Even more so when he looked at you and reached for your hand. Tony jumped, but Loki paused and spoke. "I wish to help. To ease your troubled mind." Tony sat back and looked at you, letting you decide. You nodded, tears coming to your eyes. "Please."

From the moment Loki touched your hand it felt as a cool balm to your senses. You sighed as you let go of your fears. Understanding what happened to you and how it affected you seeming clearer. But you snapped away from it when something you had forgotten long ago, a distant memory in light of everything that had happened to you, resurfaced. Rumlow survived. He was still out there. Somewhere. But he was alive. Alive and capable of raining horrors on you again. Loki's face turned sour, and he stood with a flourish, his battle gear shimmering into existence. "That man shall pay for his actions!"

His outburst caused everyone else to jump to their feet, reacting to his reaction. Your chest felt tight, panic starting to take over the balm Loki had placed on you. It was Tony who at once noticed your reaction. "Honey? What is it?" Your breaths were short and quick as you choked out the words. "He's alive. I- I forgot he survived. He's – he's out there." Tony looked worried but confused, but you felt your chest tighten with every passing breath. "Baby. Look at me. Who? Who is out there?" You could barely choke out the words, but it eventually croaked out when you stood up, feeling claustrophobic. "Rumlow." Tony's demeanor changed immediately; pure rage written in his face. You walked away from everyone, feeling the walls close in. "What if he- what if he wants to finish what he started?" You felt sick, bile rising up in your throat.

"Hey..." Nat's cool voice made you spin as she approached you like a rabid dog. You shook your head and dry heaved a little. Tony came into your sight line, his rage currently replaced with worry. "Honey. Breathe for me." You try to do as he says, but the weight on your chest makes it impossible. "Sir..." JARVIS calls out. Tony shuts him up, "I heard you the first time JARVIS... baby... take my hand." You didn't recall hearing JARVIS, you reach out taking Tony's hand. "Feel me holding you sweetheart? I'm right here. I'm not letting anyone hurt you, okay? You're safe." You close your eyes and let him ground you, let him I pull you out from under the crashing waves of panic trying to pull you under. It takes a moment, but your breathing finally regulates. You open your eyes to see his dark brown eyes staring at you patiently. You look beyond him and find your mis-matched family eying you with varying degrees of concern. "I'm safe." Tony nods, as does everyone else. You close your eyes and sigh. Nodding you open your eyes and look out to all of them. "I'm sorry." Tony guides you softly back to the sofa, but Steve is the one who responds. "You have nothing to be sorry for. If he did survive, we will find him. But Sam assured me there's no way he could've survived that building collapse." You shake your head, "he does. But he goes underground for a long time. I don't know where he is... won't know where he'll be for a long while."

Tony squeezes your hand reassuringly. "We'll find him." You nod. Healing is not linear. You remind yourself and take a deep breath.

-.-

Time passes and there's no sign of Rumlow, but the team decides to take the opportunity of their search and burn every HYDRA remnant they find to the ground. They discover, after a couple of raids, that HYDRA has the scepter that Loki used in the attack of New York. They decide not to share that with you at the moment, deciding to give you time to heal and recuperate the strength you had gained from training before your abduction. If they had let you in on things, maybe things would have happened differently.