Ditto • TK

30. Confession

(You can listen to the song for the first half of this chapter... This is the version that inspired this whole story...)

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It's raining outside... and just like the rain drops that slide down my window pane, some tears also try to escape my eyes, as I lay my head down on the desk after writing yet another diary page with words that described the events of yesterday.

I clearly recall the conversation that took place between me and Jeongguk... and after that I remember waking up to white walls of the hospital room because apparently I fainted. Mom and dad brought me home when I woke up and since then I couldn't stop thinking about... everything...

I finally told Jeongguk that I like him. And I still cannot believe I did that... But now that I collect all the thoughts that have been occupying my head since yesterday, I can understand why I did...

Because at that moment, I knew I had nothing to lose even if I confessed... I wasn't going to see Jeongguk after few days anyways... So telling him about my feelings wouldn't have changed anything...

And now it surely cannot, because I can't continue going to college now. Due to yesterday's incident, the dean contacted my dad to tell him that they cannot take responsibility if something happens to me in the middle of college hours... which is kind of reasonable at their part.

But that steals away all my chances to see Jeongguk and talk to him... to get an answer from him... I don't know but I want to know what Jeongguk feels or how he reacted to my confession.

Is it an unwanted desire or the outcome of my curious endeavors since the moment I came home and recalled the conversation...? I don't have any idea...
I just know I fainted in his arms and he must be the one to bring me to hospital because he is like that only...

But when I woke up, he was not there. And neither did he talk to me since I confessed...

The thought lingers in me... Does he want me like I want him?
.
.
.

Who am I kidding? Of course not... If he doesn't feel the same way then why would he?

I was prepared for it... I knew he only saw me as just a friend... nothing more...

But why does it hurt so much more than I imagined?

Why does my heart want to listen to him say back those same words I said to him... Or maybe even just a 'ditto' in response to my mindless dreaming...

Will it happen?

Grabbing my hair in small fists, I endure the sudden feeling to cry out loud. It hurts a lot. The realization that I have lost Jeongguk completely now sinks in and I hung my head low, biting my lips to suppress the sobs.

I miss him...