Eight: Season 4

Episode 80: Communication

  Jade-
  I finished the book and then told TC to get me Shoto...but Hanta came instead. I looked at Hanta, my face falling a bit. "Expecting someone else?" Hanta asked.
  "Yeah." I said, weakly.
  "I'm sorry Jade." Hanta said.
  "It's ok." I said.
  "What'd you need?" Hanta asked.
  I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down parts. "Just bring me those parts from the shack. I'm gonna create a sonic transmitter to produce a frequency that will repel the Harbingers for good. I'm only gonna make one so they can test to see if it works." I said.
  "Cool, sounds good to me. I'll get the stuff." Hanta said, about to walk out.
  "Hanta...is Shoto...avoiding me?" I asked, trying not to tear up or anything.
  "No! No...no! Ok, maybe a little. Jade, he blames himself for what happened to you. He's been beating himself up over it. I've tried talking to him, he won't listen. I'm about to just kick his ass." Hanta said.
  I sighed. "That may not be the worst idea, sometimes he needs a swift kick in the ass to get his head on straight." I said.
  "I'll get the stuff and then I'll go drag his ass here." Hanta said.
  I chuckled. "You're the best Hanta, thank you." I said, and Hanta nodded and left.
  I sighed and frowned a little. "I know that look." Kirishima said, arms folded over his chest and leaned in the corner.
  "How long have you been there?" I asked.
  "Mmm...a while." Kirishima said.
  I chuckled. "Ok." I said, and he came and sat beside me on the hammock.
  "What's wrong Jade? I can tell when something is bothering you." Kirishima said.
  "It's really stupid." I said.
  "It's not stupid if it's making you feel like shit." Kirishima said.
  I chuckled, and then took a deep breath. I explained to him what they did to Shoto and I in The Diamond Desert. "We haven't really talked about the whole thing at all, but I mean...I told him about the entire year and what they did to me. It just feels like he's pushing me away and avoiding the conversation. Or the fact that he lied and I had to pay the consequences. Or the fact that he blames himself for letting me get caught in the first place! None of that is his fault! But he puts so much weight and so much pressure on himself...and in a way...I feel like...I'm the burden." I said, as my lips quivered and my eyes teared up.
  Kirishima sighed and took a deep breath. "Come here." He said, and I leaned into his chest and cried as he rubbed my shoulder.
  "I'm so tired Kirishima. I'm tired of the pain, of the suffering, of the loss...I just...I don't want to be the damsel in distress anymore." I cried.
  Kirishima sighed, rubbing my shoulder. "You're not a damsel in distress, none of us think that. Trust me, we know better. I can count on one hand the number of times I've saved you." Kirishima said, and I sniffled and chuckled.
  "Jade, you have the gift of intelligence...one that's, no pun intended, out of this world." Kirishima said, and I laughed through the tears. "People will fight tooth and nail to know how your beautiful brain works. How you're able to make these...incredible things with such limited resources. They torture you because they think you'll tell them, that you'll break. But...you know you're already broken and so...you fight. You fight like there is no tomorrow. You never give up no matter how shitty things get. You fall, sure, we all do, but Jade you get back up every time and you come back stronger than before. You've only known pain and suffering, darkness and fear your whole life. But you fight and you overcome, that is your story. How you overcome all of the pain, suffering, fear, and darkness. You are the kindest person I know, and you have the brightest smile...but I know underneath all of that, you are in so much pain. You're human...and baby that...is a beautiful thing to be." Kirishima said, and I sniffled, holding him.
  "Thank you Kiri...for being my best friend." I said, and Kirishima smiled, holding me still.
  "Shoto loves you, you know? He's just bad at emotions and feelings cause he's never been loved the way he deserves. But, if you need me to beat him up, I'll happily do it." Kirishima said, and I laughed, smiling at Kirishima.
  "Here is all of the things on your list...and one Shoto Todoroki as requested." Hanta said, dragging a slightly damaged Shoto behind him in his tape and I laughed.
  Kirishima gripped my shoulder and I pat his hand as he left with Hanta after Hanta sat my stuff down.
  "I feel betrayed." Shoto said.
  I chuckled. "I'm sure you do, you big dork." I said.
  Shoto stood up and gripped the back of his neck, walking toward me and sitting beside my hammock. "Jade I—" Shoto began, and I looked at him in anticipation. "I don't know what to say." Shoto said.
  I sighed. "Then, can I say my piece?" I asked.
  "Please." Shoto said.
  I took a deep breath. "I'm not mad at you, you know? I'm not upset either, I just...I'm worried. You've been distant and cold, I know you blame yourself for everything Shoto, but it's not your fault. None of this, is your fault." I said, gesturing to my body. "You weren't the one that let me get caught by Xia, that was me. I didn't want to, but I let myself get caught because I stopped believing that she was the enemy, and she stabbed me in the back and twisted the knife. You're not the one who tied me up to a polygraph and an electroshock machine and asked someone who cares about me so much shitty, stupid, ridiculous questions! Xia was just trying to prove a point. She wanted to hurt me, and that meant hurting you. It's my fault we were in that situation in the first place. Gods, if I was just born with a normal brain none of that would have happened. If I didn't suffer for 14 years, I wouldn't have survived the shit they did to me. Maybe things would have been better if...if I just died. You wouldn't feel like shit, my family wouldn't have been so fucked up, and everyone, EVERYONE could have been better off. Ugh, this is so frustrating! I don't want to die, but...maybe it would all be better if I did." I said, shoving my palms into my eyes.
"NO!" Shoto shouted, and I was sorta taken aback. He took a deep breath and spoke softer. "No, I can tell you right now none of us would be better off. I don't say it enough Jade, but...you keep us going. You're the glue that holds all of us together and I know that is a shitty thing to say but it's true. Without you...we are completely hopeless. You are so wrong about everything. If I lost you, I'd lose my shit. I would burn the world for you...and I wouldn't regret it. You always know what to say and what to do. I...I blame myself because...because all I want to do is protect you and I can't even seem to even do that. Arcadia isn't possible without you, and I'm sorry that I've been distant and cold towards you. It's nothing to do with you, it's me. I push people away when I don't want to deal with...with everything. It's bad, I know, but I've just never had a good example of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. I'm learning by watching you and Hanta...hell even Kirishima. I just...have to get better." Shoto said.
  "Kirishima was right about you, you know. He said you've never been loved the way you deserved...and I'm starting to understand what he meant now. I'm sorry Shoto, I'm still learning too." I said, taking his hand.
  He wrapped his arms around each other. "Can we just make each other a promise here and now?" Shoto asked.
  "Yeah." I said.
  "Can we just promise to be honest with one another about how we feel and talk it out...no matter how hard it may be? Instead of thinking we're protecting each other by keeping it hidden?" Shoto asked.
  I chuckled. "I like that plan." I said, and Shoto gripped me tighter.
  "I love you, Jade." Shoto whispered.
  I smiled. "I love you too, Shoto." I whispered, hugging him tighter and squeezing my eyes shut.
  We let off of each other and pressed our foreheads into one another. I held his cheeks and brushed my fingers across them. "I'm always gonna be here for you." I said.
  Shoto closed his eye as and held my cheeks. "Yeah, I know." He said, and we laughed.
  We stayed like that for a little longer before he and I let off.
  He left the tent and I sighed as I grabbed the box of parts Hanta got me and started to craft. I made a baton-like speaker and started playing with the frequencies.