All I Want #1.5 : Words Left Behind

05/10/2023 - Quynn

Love,

I can't remember the last time I wrote to you.

I'm sorry it took me so long, but life got in the way. Or, more like, shit happened. Very bad shit.

After three months locked up in the clinic, filled with different types of meds to help put me back together, I made it back home.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to see you.

But this isn't the point of my letter.

You know how we always had each other's back when life knocked us down?
Yeah, I could really use one of your hugs right about now.

My whole life has been turned upside down since the day you left, and I've never felt so alone. So disconnected from the world.

I've spent so much of my life hating my father. I blamed him for everything that happened to me. I thought he didn't want me, and it shaped so much of who I became growing up.

But my mother lied to me. My entire life.

She's the one who ran away when she was pregnant with me. She never told him I existed until I was ten years old. This entire time, he took the fall without a word for me, because he knew I needed someone to blame.

I feel like my entire world is going down in flames.

I lost you. My mom. My sanity. All at once the day you were gone.

Asher is leaving for Caltech soon. He's been such a rock while you were gone. He makes sure I take my meds just like you would and sleeps on the floor in case I get seizures again.

Doctor Karl calls them dissociative seizures. He says my brain is responding to all the trauma I've been compartmentalizing.

I guess hearing this news about my parents broke my last brain cells.

But I don't mind the madness. Because it's the only way I get to see you.

I wish it was the real you and not just some stupid hallucinations. This way I could hug you. And tell you all the things I've been dying to share all this time.

I'm waiting for you. No matter how long it takes.

Remember you said you'd always crawl home to me? Keep your promise. Don't be another name on the list of people I've lost.

With love,

Quynn.