Dear Juliet. I could relate to her pain. Black misery painted on a blood red heart. Death would be more bearable than life without Romeo.
~Marilyn Grey
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As I gaze at the beautifully set dinner table, adorned with fancy china and flickering candles, I can't help but feel a pang of sorrow. Ryder's thoughtful gestures, meant to bring me joy, only makes me feel worse that I can't enjoy this moment the way that I'd like. My heart aches as I think of Dally, the one who once held my heart, now entwined with another.
I force a smile, trying to appreciate Ryder's efforts. How can I rejoice in this moment when my heart is still reeling from the blow of Dally's new life? The soft glow of the candles only illuminates the darkness that has settled within me. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes as I struggle to conceal my sorrow, feeling like an outsider in this moment of supposed happiness.
I swirl the wine in my glass, I raise the glass to my lips, and instead of taking a delicate sip, I chug the entire contents in one swift motion. The wine burns my throat, but I welcome the temporary numbness.
Ryder's laughter startles me, and he quickly refills my glass. "Is Tulsa everything you remembered?" he asks as he slices into his steak. I force a small smile, but my appetite has vanished. I take tiny bites, more to appease Ryder than to satisfy my own hunger.
"No..." I whisper, my voice barely audible. Ryder's expression softens, "What went on out there?" he asks, his voice gentle.
I inhale deeply, the air filling my lungs, and then exhale a dramatic sigh. Ryder raises his glass, but pauses, waiting for my response.
"Dally's engaged," I declare, my voice flat and detached, as if saying the words out loud will somehow make them less painful. I stare at Ryder, my eyes vacant, searching for a glimmer of understanding.
Ryder takes a sip of his wine, his expression unreadable. He sets his glass down, his movements deliberate, and nods slightly. "How do you know this?" he asks, his voice low and even.
I hesitate, the words sticking in my throat. "I went to Bucks," I admit.
Ryder shakes his head, disapproving.
"Ryder i had a full conversation with him..."
Ryder raises his brow, "and how did he react when he saw you?"
I laugh a dry laugh, "he didn't know it was me..." I mumble. Ryder cocks his head to the side, "he was that fucked?"
I nod, "He thought I was some girl name Elle from Texas...I ran into him and me told me I looked like someone he used to know. He then proceeded to pour his heart out to me about how much he loved me and how I left him here for no reason and then..." I shake my head, and down my third glass of wine, "then Sylvia comes along, asks if he's ready to go home. Home Ryder. HOME!" I yell, squeezing the my wine glass tighter. "I ask who's that, he tells me it's his fiancé. Fiancé Ryder, fucking fiancé."
Ryder grabs the glass from my hand and sets it aside. I let my head fall into my hands while I continue. "While he was out here moving in and starting over...I was and still am grieving the loss of our unborn baby." I bite my cheek, trying to stop the tears before they even think about starting.
"Charlotte...he's a dick, and he's wrong...but you can't be mad at him...he didn't know you were pregnant." Ryder defends.
"He should've known I wouldn't of left him for no reason...right? He should've known!" I'm aware how ridiculous my words sound, and I cry harder.
"He moved on so fast Ryder." I sob into my hands.
Ryder reaches across the table and holds my hand, "maybe you should too, Charlotte. You deserve to be happy again."
"Happy? For how long? Happy until the next fucked up thing comes soaring in? God does not want me to be happy," I sob, my words tumbling out in a torrent of despair, as if the dam of my emotions has finally burst. The wine and Ryder's listening ear have unleashed a floodgate of tears, and I can't seem to stem the flow.
But then, Ryder's strong arms scoop me up from the kitchen chair, cradling me close to his chest, and I feel a fleeting sense of security. He carries me down the hall, his footsteps soft and gentle, and lays me on my bed, his hands tenderly removing my shoes, making me giggle despite myself, a small, absurd moment of levity in the midst of my sorrow.
For a moment, I feel tranquil, my tears momentarily subsiding, as Ryder's kindness and compassion envelop me like a warm embrace. But the pain and anguish are still there, lurking just beneath the surface, waiting to pounce, and I know that this fragile peace won't last forever.
"You're getting your self worked up...and that's ok," he whispers while covering me with the blankets, "but at least get comfortable while you cry," he smiles a sad smile, and sits next to me on top of the covers.
I don't even feel like crying anymore, I'm sure it's all going to hit me tomorrow, but for now, I need sleep. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, "You're amazing Ryder...I don't know what I'd do with out you." I whisper. He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. "Luckily you won't ever have to find out. I will always be here for you."
He stands up and head for the door but I stop him..."Ryder?"
"Yes Doll?"
"Could you sleep in here tonight?" My words comes out like a desperate plea. He doesn't say anything as he reaches for the lamps and turns the light off. For a second I felt like I had over stepped asking for him to accompany me, but when I feel the bed deepen I smile to myself. He stays a distance away, I know he's trying to make sure he doesn't over step himself, I scoot a bit closer and rest my head on his shoulders. When I close my eyes and breathe in his scent I feel whole again, and everything feels perfect...that is until reality hits me that lying next to me is not my Dally, and my heart feels hallow once more.
