Drugs & Dior

Chapter 10

Angela

"STOP," Cooper screams as our dad beats him senseless. There's blood everywhere, almost as much as there was when I was the one that thought calling the cops would help.

Tears are streaming down my face, snot dripping from my nose. There's nothing I can do but lay on the ground and watch, motionless. In my head I'm screaming with Cooper, yelling at our dad to stop, begging our mom to help.

But on the outside I'm quiet in fear of causing Cooper more harm by adding wood to the already burning fire that is our dad.

"NO," Cooper screams as our dad pulls him up by his hair, like he did to me only a few hours ago, and drags him down the hallway and into a bedroom, out of my sight.

I hear a door close and the screaming only gets louder. The neighbors, how do they not hear this? How do they not care?

Frustration runs through me, sprouting in my heart and flowing with my blood vessels through my veins. I can't move. I. Can. Not. Move. 

I would call for my mom but I don't have one of those. Ever since I had to take over that role, my mother has been pretty much dead to me. My father too.

"ANGELA," Cooper screams. "ANGELA , HELP ME!"

My heart cracks clean in half. I try to get up but I fall the second I push myself up with my hands. Anger, sadness, and fear are swirling around in my stomach. I'm so used to being the one to protect Cooper that not being able to is devastating. I'm usually the one that takes the hits, I'm the one to get in the way of our fathers wrath.

Now that I can't, I see and hear what Cooper sees and hears when I'm the one in his position.

And I don't know how he's still alive.

I want to die listening to Cooper beg for me to save him, I want the ground to open up under me and swallow me whole. It would be better than staying here unable to do anything for my only real family left.

"ANGELA," Cooper screams again, "IT HURTS," His voice breaks into a sob. "IT HURTS!"

I continue to try to save him, but I also continue to fail. I can't help him, I can't help him. So I am forced to listen to his screaming, sobbing, and wailing, as I lay motionless on the floor.

He's being beat senseless and I'm laying on the floor, fine, unable to help him.

In order to stop myself from going insane, I start to dissociate. Suddenly the world goes quiet. Finally, I can pretend to have peace of mind. I stare emotionlessly into the distance in front of me and can't hear anything, though my eyes are open I can't see anything either, and the painful electricity of pain previously shooting through my body, rooting from my spine, is suddenly gone.

I'm in a state of calm I can only ever get to when I'm not consciously present.

I'm in a state of calm I haven't felt in years. And it's addicting, as if I've shot drugs into my veins or snorted a line. Almost as addicting as swimming to the bottom of pool just to stay there until your body can't function from the lack of oxygen.

Coopers screaming is forgot about in my head, everything is gone up there. I don't think about my mom or dad, Cooper or Emmy. I can just lay motionless and think about nothing, feel, see, and hear nothing.